I have had a number of experiences throughout my life that I didn't think much about because I have always accepted that a spiritual plane exists. However, I didn't have a spiritual practice or give it much attention.
Then, my life turned upside down. Problems in my marriage slowly surfaced over the course of a year, culminating in a confession by my husband that shocked and devastated me and ultimately ended the relationship. I was in a state of deep depression, anxiety, and despair at what was happening in my life. I had the life I had always wanted, had moved to a new area where I found amazing friends, a wonderful school for my children and my dream home, a place I wanted to live for the rest of my life. I couldn't understand why this was happening, why my life was unraveling. Then, things started to happen.
Two months after my marriage ended my father died. I hadn't spoken to him in several years as we had a strained and tumultuous relationship. This was not devastating to me because I had already grieved the loss of my father although it added to my depressive state.
Two days after my father died, I had an incredible and confusing experience. There was a friend of a friend (a man) I had started to get to know better recently. We have an amazing amount of things in common and I always enjoyed talking with him. I also found him very attractive but didn't think much of it because we were both married. But, I admit I had a little crush.
Well, the day of the experience, I felt very strongly that I would see him. A strong persistent feeling throughout the day which I was very confused about. Then, at home that evening (my husband hadn't moved out yet) this man stopped by our house to offer help with something I had mentioned to him a couple of days earlier. My husband answered the door and when I heard his voice I couldn't believe it. I had been thinking I would see him and then he showed up!
I walked into the room to say hello and when he turned to look at me it happened. When our eyes met my body began to swell with an incredible amount of warm energy. The best way I can describe it is filling up like a balloon from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. It was very, very intense yet loving. Then, I just "knew" he was the one. I was also given a message although I never heard a voice. The message was very clear, "Don't despair, you have done what you were supposed to do and now you get to be happy, and here he is".
I stood in my kitchen with this man and my husband trying to have a conversation while this amazing experience was happening to me. Then, at one point in the conversation when we caught eyes again, I saw a white flash of light coming from his eyes. This happened again as he went to leave and I walked him to his car, when we caught eyes just as he was getting in his car I saw another flash of white light in his eyes. It took me about an hour to calm down afterward. I was so confused because he is married, how could he be "the one"?
Many things have happened since then, unlikely coincidences such as amazing timing, running into him when I felt I would, I found out we have the same birthday, and many other things. Once I was at a friend's house who lives near him and I heard a voice say "go outside" so I did and he was right there walking by with his daughters!
While I feel elated by this experience and meeting him makes so many things in my life make sense, he is married and unavailable. Adding to my confusion is that I have precedent for this! When I was first getting to know my future husband (this was 13 years ago) I heard a voice whisper in my right ear, "You've met your husband". Which has a whole other story with it I won't go into here.
I don't know what to believe. But, this has started a journey for me of self-discovery and a spiritual quest to understand what happened, what it meant, how it could possibly happen and so many other things. I feel as though I was struck by Cupid's arrow that day. But, I am so scared it won't happen. This was a year and half ago now. I don't know what the experience would mean if it didn't and it seems so improbable that he would become available and even if he did it would be a complicated situation with ex-spouses, step-children, blending families and all that comes with it, which I am not sure I would otherwise choose.
I am simply waiting, waiting, waiting for him while adjusting to my new life as a divorced person. How long do I wait before I must accept that the experience wasn't what I thought? It is holding me back from getting involved with other people or even dating.
I would appreciate any comments. Thank you for reading.