I'm 48 years old and have struggled with addiction for all of my life. I've had years of abstinence, however I never treated the root cause which I now know is my spirituality. About 5 years ago I began using again to treat my crippling depression and anxiety. Although I wasn't using to get high my addiction was awakened and the depression became unbearable. I was hospitalized for severe panic attacks that would last for days, coming in waves. Suicide was inevitable. I had to muster up the courage to do it but could not get up the strength. I was an agnostic and had no belief of any kind of god that could intervene. I only prayed for death. I was spiritually bankrupt. My mind became locked into a state of catastrophic thinking and was institutionalized and put on suicide watch for 9 days. Every move I made was monitored by a tech or nurse, even going to the bathroom. A few years ago I was living a normal life with 2 children a beautiful wife, a great job and no worries. I was devastated at how my disease could take so much and tried to cut my wrists with my partial denture I had from a serious car accident 20 years ago. A nurse intervened and I curled up in a ball crying like a child. It got much worse.
I decided to act like I was doing better and was released a week later. My plan was to get heroin and overdose. When I returned home and saw my wife and children I could not do it. In the months that followed I was still suffering horribly and realized I probably would have to suffer for the rest of my life. I had too many panic attacks to count, and the depression that followed them was unlike anything I've ever felt before. I began calling people from narcotics anonymous to see if they relapsed and could help my score some heroin. I realized the ones that relapsed would not answer the phone and searched the internet for ways to get high legally. I found a drug called kratom and began taking massive doses to ease the depression and anxiety. It worked for a while and then it didn't. I had to find the strength to kill my self. I was now horribly addicted and still suffering from depression. I fantasized of my obituary. No one matters in addiction.
In the early morning of feb 23 I started to feel a energy unlike anything I've ever felt before. I was processing information I didn't even know I had so rapidly That I thought I had a brain tumor that was creating all the depression I experienced and was now making me feel the exact opposite. I wasn't at all afraid and decided to let whatever was going to happen just happen. I began to understand how the disease of addiction worked and felt a presence of light and love overcome me. I instinctively knew it was god and kept letting go of negative thoughts and emotions. I cried with joy. The feeling was better than any drug I have ever done but there was no need to want more. I was in a complete state of presence and felt like god was all around me. I have heard of spiritual awakenings in the rooms of N.A. and A.A. But never like this. The feeling subsided the following day but had all the knowledge that I had received. I went to an N.A. Meeting that night and saw energy coming from those who had an awakening and those who were struggling. I had some kind of 6th sense and knew that my experience could help others. My family was alarmed when I told them and I decided to check myself into rehab for 70 days to let them and myself come to terms with this. I'm happy to say I'm now 74 days sober and depression free. I'm also a believer of GOD and know my message is to help others and plan to find a way to do his work.
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I don't know if you will see this since your post was over 3 years ago but I am a new member and your story was the first one I read on this site - and I was very moved. As I read it - even from the first few words it was so similar to my life and my experience (alcoholism, too, etc.) that for a brief moment I almost thought, "Did I write in to this site and forget that I did?" (because, uh, yeah, that's happened more times than I care to admit...)
Anyway, long story short, my experience with a "white light" or "God light" was this: I too was (and frankly, still am) an everyday alcoholic... Very depressed and have "committed" multiple serious suicide attempts. I would love to say that this experience I am about to share was the end of the drinking and I was healed. Unfortunately, that is not the case. But enough of the poor me-isms. The fact I still have a problem does not negate nor lessen the intensity of the experience. Even though this happened more than 10 years ago, I still remember it like it was yesterday and hold it in my heart... Even though I do not fully understand it. (I do beat myself up, though, thinking I royally screwed up and have since blown it with God, so to speak, by continuing to drink). ANYWAY! I was living (in sin, lol) with my boyfriend at the time and we were both at a very low stage in our lives. He did not have the drinking problem I did but he was def depressed. One random day I just remember coming out of the shower and suddenly feeling an overwhelming "presence." I think I had been crying but that was not unusual for me. All I know is, I was not thinking about suicide or alcohol or God or anything heavy like that but all of a sudden I was just overwhelmed by this feeling in my heart of...well, God. It was as if He had come into the room and into my heart...like, literally. I could feel this... Strange pressure on my chest. Not like a bad thing or pain, but as if my heart or something in my chest was opening up and filling with light. It truly was like a drug experience, only clean and amazing and guilt free. I felt myself almost lifting off my feet. (But I felt I could control it and chose to remain grounded). The thing that will forever stick with me the most was the light. The light in the bathroom grew brighter and brighter and brighter until the whole entire bathroom (and me) were filled with the most amazing, bright, white light. It is hard to explain without sounding like a quack or a dufus but I remember a smile just spreading across my face as I looked up at the ceiling, filling more and more every second with this warm, amazing feeling of love. The light was so bright it was like looking into the sun, only it did not hurt my eyes. And I could feel the surge of the energy... As it grew brighter and brighter... Like a pulsating "waa waa" kind of thing. I couldn't stop smiling. Tears rolled down my face in torrents without even realizing why or how. I was just filled with this all-encompassing peace and love. Though I did not HEAR a voice or SEE God, I knew instantly that that was who it was, And I knew the message was something like, "I am always here, and you are watched over and loved." There was no doubt in my mind. Now here is the freakiest part - but I swear it is true - all of this is. (I do not think I have told anyone about this but it was the most powerful thing about it). As I was experiencing this warm feeling of love and light (and I myself felt light as a feather, like I could float right up to and through the ceiling), I looked in the mirror across from me and noticed that both of my arms had risen up at my sides by themselves. Even though I hated to look in the mirror (and still do) I stood there, naked, wet from the shower and not ashamed or disgusted for once. And I saw myself standing there as my arms kept being moved as if from some unseen force up, up, up into the form of a cross. I was not doing it. I know that in my heart, but I know no one will believe me... Or they will say I was drunk or tripping or something, but I was clear as a bell. To this day I have no idea why my arms went up into a cross or what it means. I have wondered if it might come across as sacrilegious, like I am trying to compare myself to Jesus or make some comment about the crucifixion, but I honestly am not. In fact, I have often wondered (and worried) that that was like God's warning to me (about the drinking) and since I did not stop he has given up on me. If anyone knows what it might mean or have heard of this before, I would be thrilled to hear your theories. Thank you for listening and I hope you are still well. Congrats on your sobriety! I hope to one day celebrate that as well... But all in good time. BTW, this is my first time on the site and first post but I have had quite a few spiritual experiences... If that's what you would call them - and hope to write about them as I go along. Please comment if you know anything about this experience. Thank you!