I'm 48 years old and have struggled with addiction for all of my life. I've had years of abstinence, however I never treated the root cause which I now know is my spirituality. About 5 years ago I began using again to treat my crippling depression and anxiety. Although I wasn't using to get high my addiction was awakened and the depression became unbearable. I was hospitalized for severe panic attacks that would last for days, coming in waves. Suicide was inevitable. I had to muster up the courage to do it but could not get up the strength. I was an agnostic and had no belief of any kind of god that could intervene. I only prayed for death. I was spiritually bankrupt. My mind became locked into a state of catastrophic thinking and was institutionalized and put on suicide watch for 9 days. Every move I made was monitored by a tech or nurse, even going to the bathroom. A few years ago I was living a normal life with 2 children a beautiful wife, a great job and no worries. I was devastated at how my disease could take so much and tried to cut my wrists with my partial denture I had from a serious car accident 20 years ago. A nurse intervened and I curled up in a ball crying like a child. It got much worse.
I decided to act like I was doing better and was released a week later. My plan was to get heroin and overdose. When I returned home and saw my wife and children I could not do it. In the months that followed I was still suffering horribly and realized I probably would have to suffer for the rest of my life. I had too many panic attacks to count, and the depression that followed them was unlike anything I've ever felt before. I began calling people from narcotics anonymous to see if they relapsed and could help my score some heroin. I realized the ones that relapsed would not answer the phone and searched the internet for ways to get high legally. I found a drug called kratom and began taking massive doses to ease the depression and anxiety. It worked for a while and then it didn't. I had to find the strength to kill my self. I was now horribly addicted and still suffering from depression. I fantasized of my obituary. No one matters in addiction.
In the early morning of feb 23 I started to feel a energy unlike anything I've ever felt before. I was processing information I didn't even know I had so rapidly That I thought I had a brain tumor that was creating all the depression I experienced and was now making me feel the exact opposite. I wasn't at all afraid and decided to let whatever was going to happen just happen. I began to understand how the disease of addiction worked and felt a presence of light and love overcome me. I instinctively knew it was god and kept letting go of negative thoughts and emotions. I cried with joy. The feeling was better than any drug I have ever done but there was no need to want more. I was in a complete state of presence and felt like god was all around me. I have heard of spiritual awakenings in the rooms of N.A. and A.A. But never like this. The feeling subsided the following day but had all the knowledge that I had received. I went to an N.A. Meeting that night and saw energy coming from those who had an awakening and those who were struggling. I had some kind of 6th sense and knew that my experience could help others. My family was alarmed when I told them and I decided to check myself into rehab for 70 days to let them and myself come to terms with this. I'm happy to say I'm now 74 days sober and depression free. I'm also a believer of GOD and know my message is to help others and plan to find a way to do his work.
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the sloppy details of my life.
The basic one was my father was a Russian orthodox priest and we had no choice but to be
His circus performers on Sundays and holidays. He was so into god. God god. His religion and his ideals. He could do no wrong but yet he broke all the commandments. He was so selfish. Cheated and beat my mother,divorced,My brother died 4 years ago of renal cell carcinoma, he was 59, I am 58. I took a year off to take care of him and Evan took pictures of the experience of his death. His life taken by cancer.
I could not understand why my brother didn't tell me my father was molesting him. How could he sit at the supper table and not say anything. My brother had a nervous break down and asked if I could put him up. I did. Then he asked is I could get him a job where I was working at a Mercedes restoration shop. Back then they didn't use safety precautions when dealing with the chemicals. I feel to blame that I got him a job that would later take his life. The last parish we were at he said he was going to New York and we were not going with him. Little did we know he was going to get defrocked. He met a lady with money there. Anyhow he came back to town, i didn't know and was staying at the church secretary's house and wanted to mary her. He got a job and rolled co van thinking she would come to his rescue. But instead she called me up to pick up his luggage, go to the hospital and convince the doctors he won't commit suicide. Do not bring him back here. He spent 11 years after supper going over there. But she had money. He cornered her in the kitchen and said let's get married. My dad felt he never had to work. I stopped my life to rescue him.
He met a lady in new york. I took him to the train station a few months later. He would have been homeless and no money with out the rich lady.Barbara.My father died and I told Barbara all about my dad but she said I still love him, that was his prior life... Anyhow then Barbara was on her death bed and we rushed to say good by to her. She only had a cousin left. We thanked her for everything she did for us. She had had a stroke when they took her off the blood thinners to do a surgery it was the beginning of the end. In the icu She kept holding her head and I asked her if she was in pain and she moved her head. People talked as if she couldn't hear. I saw her peak out of the corner of her eye. I askd if she was in pain and she moved her head around fast. They did not want to give her morphine cause it could kill her. I went to the nurse and said you have no choice. I made the call. She died just before they were going to put her in a hospice home to die the next Monday. So we went back to new york for the funeral. She had left all her money to the church. The cousin must have found her lap top and read all the emails she saved. She asked if we wanted her jeep so she asked the bishop and they replaced all the bad and cleaned it up and gave it to us. She was very kind to do that.
MY EXPERIENCE... I was sitting in my garage just before dusk, we live set back in the woods and I restore cars out of my home. This tiny bright light flew in my shop and floated in the corner. I saw it and said wow that's great I want you to stay around and maybe help me through life. I knew it was awesome. Then it flew so fast at my face that I swiped it away and all I could hear is feathers and see the light coming at me. At first I thought it was my wife with a flash light, but there was no one there. Then I looked by the door and the lite was floating by the wood stove. I wanted to check my phsycy so I asked if it could move the box on the wood stove and it did 10 inches. Then I asked if it could move it back and it did. I communicated with it. I talked with it for it seems hrs, until the moskitoes started getting me. I said wow bill you can move a box but you can't help me win mega bucks. I was suppose to think of the number 1 and do a quick pick power ball so I could get money to finish his home on lake winesquam. Share the money with my family. It still sits 8 acres in the woods the road built. I'm sure its starting to grow back in. It was his pride. I can't help anyone because I have no money to help myself. That night just after 12 I got woken up by this festering energy in my body. It was something I never felt before. After I fell asleep it must have given me something because I had no desire to consume alcohol. It gave me strength. I have lost 60 pounds. I only eat good real foods and I look for that energy every day. There is nothing on u tube that collaborates with communicating with the light. I want to see it again. I want to talk to it. What was it or who was it that appeared. Was it barbara?bill?my guardian angel? My mother?. I look every day for more signs. I believe all religions are for the fanatics. This is the real deal. My cell phone is 603-661-2113.If you can help me in my journey please call. There must be a way to call it back... Ive been to physics that only took my money... I think the light gave me something special. I want to know more. I am going to register to be a member. Thank you for this site. Michael Knight.I live in new hampshire