I grew up in an abusive home. I was so lonely! I remember being thankful to be able to go to bed at night, to escape until the next day. I cried myself to sleep often. Sometimes nights were the worst times of all. I remember lying in bed, plugging my ears as hard as I could, trying not to hear the screaming and cursing for hours.
I knew at that time that I was in rebellion to God. I never knew what he was like. I thought of him as condemning and judgmental. When I was 14, I knew I was choosing to serve the devil. I was afraid to go to sleep every night because I knew I deserved to go to Hell if I died. I had prayed hundreds of prayers as a child, but I never sensed that he heard me.
Then one night, something happened that really frightened me. I just fell on my knees beside my bed and gave my life to God. I asked Jesus to forgive my sins, and for the first time in my life, I knew he heard me and he was with me! Later on I realized, that was the first time that I came to him as a sinner. I believe that's why he heard me. Before, I had thought of myself as a good person.
Even though things were still just as bad at home, Jesus was my Refuge. The more I got to know him, I realized that he loved me!
When I was 16, I ran away. For a few years I went back and forth between wanting Jesus and wanting the world. I was miserable! Once, when I was 18, I knew I was going to Hell. I asked God to give me a sign if he really wanted me. I opened my Bible, and the place I opened to was where Jesus said, "And should not this woman, who has been bound for 18 years, be set free on this day?" And I was 18! I decided to give my life back to him. I was so happy!
I wanted to follow Jesus, but I still thought I needed a man to make me happy. I met a man, and we got engaged. My fiance had no idea what my family was like. I didn't tell him because I thought he might not believe me. I felt like I had no one I could share my heart with. We had some misunderstandings. I felt like I was trapped marrying someone who didn't love me! During that time, Jesus was so real to me! He was all I had. I felt like he carried me during that time.
Then after we got married, I put all my hope in my husband. For the first few years, I was miserable! I was so dissappointed that we weren't in love. Then something came up in our marriage that made me realize I couldn't keep my husband forever. I was devastated! Now I know that Jesus is the only one I can be in love with forever. He will never do or say anything to hurt me, and he will never leave me. Jesus is my Prince, and I'm His Princess.
I'm running away with Jesus! He has loved me and has been waiting for me my whole life. He left everything for me, all his wealth and palaces. And I'm leaving everything for him, all my pain and hurt and dissapointment. I'm just leaving them there on the road and I'm taking his hand! I don't know why he loves me, but he does! We will have so much fun together! I know I can trust him. He will never leave me or forsake me! No matter what happens, he will always be with me and he will always love me! He loved me so much, he died for me for me. I'm in love with him! He is all I want. He is the only One who can satisfy my heart.
I can't believe how much our stories are alike!
I also grow up in abusive home. Didnd't have relationship with neither mom or dad.
I also didn't know what God is alike and before I was at the age 15 and gaved my life for him. I knew he loved me and that love changed my view of him. Still I was like you, looking for a guy to get married with, dreaming about happy familily. Ended up with a boy from miserable home as well. It was chaotic and I kind of had God in a second place, as you.
Living halfly in the world...
Ended up to divorce and know I know Jesus is the only one that can love pourely and that he'll never forsake me! So I think we know how it feels for each other.
So good to hear He have has shown you as well his healing love. <3