The death of a close friend seemed to spiral me down into the depths of despair. Thoughts of such a chilling crime left me frightened and feeling alone. He had been murdered just a few months ago. The shock was still vibrating through every fiber of my body. It had been a random shooting and it was such a senseless crime. He was shot to death in the back as he got out of his Car one night.
Unclear to his family and his friends, was why? How could such a thing happen? Lately I could just not seem to shake this anxious feeling. I felt lost, confused and very alone. It had been a very difficult year for me and this only seemed to compound it all more. I felt anxious all the time and I wondered if I was becoming depressed. I sat facing the window again. I seemed to do this a lot lately, staring, brooding, and thinking. Who was I looking for? My husband was away on business and the children older now seemed to always be out with friends. The loneliness tonight seemed to be choking me. This anxious feeling never seemed to leave me.
I had a wonderful family and good friends too. Why, then did I feel so completely and utterly alone. How could I burden them with what I was feeling? I had always been the one who held my family together. I just didn't want anyone to know how truly sad and lonely I had become. I had battled anxiety years ago and now I feared I was heading back down that direction.
I covered my face with my hands and cried out to God. "I need a friend lord please don't leave me so alone and frightened." I don't know how long I sat there in the dark crying. Suddenly my computer screen at that moment started to flicker. Over and over turned the screen, I sat mesmerized by the images I saw looking back at me. Picture after picture seemed to come alive on the screen. I watched as my family seemed to fade in and fade out at me. I saw my children and my husband smiling back at me. I saw myself laughing and embracing them. I saw birthday cakes and pool parties. I saw laughter and joy. I saw pictures of myself, laughing and embracing them. I could only just stare back at reflections that I felt I had lost. How I asked myself could that same person in those pictures be the empty and sad person sitting here in the dark. So surrounded by loved ones I should be happy but that emotion seemed miles away from me. I reached over and clicked the computer so I didn't have to stare back at myself anymore.
I closed my eyes and started to pray, "God please help me, send me the strength I need to get through this." My family depended on me; I just couldn't let them see me like this. I moved closer to the computer, I wiped the tears away and was determined to find some help. I started to check the internet, maybe I could find a good support group to belong to or a prayer group maybe that would give me the peace I was so desperate for. Maybe then I would not feel so alone.
God had been the one constant in my life and tonight I needed him more than ever. I knew God would not be burdened by my problems. I started to look for a prayer that would help me. I remembered a prayer a friend had once given to me. She said it was very powerful. It was the prayer to take authority. I typed in authority and there it was, this blog came up and it had a series of prayers and inspirational stories. I saw a picture of the woman who the blog belonged to and it was an elderly woman her name was Lydia Swain, I scrolled down further and read her biography. Forty three years ago she and her family had begun missionary work in Korea and Thailand. After the death of her husband she returned to Korea as personal secretary and director of foreign affairs for Dr. David Yonggi. She has retired now and she is a speaker for women's meetings and prayer groups and she does seminars in Louisiana and Florida.
There was something so true and nourishing in her words. She also quoted scripture and it all seemed to jump at me from the screen. I read the article named Authority and I was inspired and felt safe in the words I saw there. I felt so inspired and for the first time in months I felt calm and peaceful. I saw her e-mail address and I sent her a message. I felt compelled to speak with her. I needed help, I needed answers and I don't know why I thought she might have them. I know that it was really late it must have been around 12:30 or so but shortly after sending a message I got a reply.
I could only just sit and stare at the screen. I could not believe it. She had responded to me, she said I could contact her and speak to you her tomorrow. I just kept staring at the computer screen. Was it really her on the other end of the screen? Where are you from I asked. I'm from Louisiana she replied. I was amazed, she was a million miles away and yet I could feel this strange connection through the computer screen. She seemed so kind and gentle.
I sent another e-mail and asked what are you doing up this late. I mean surely 83 year old women were not up at 1:00 in the morning on their computers. I held my breath as I re-checked my e-mail, waiting for a reply. There it was, I could only stare at the words that seemed to swim in front of me. Instantly my eyes blurred and tears formed. She told me that the lord had told her that someone needed her tonight and that she was waiting for me.
I started to cry, harder this time, sobbing actually. I felt it, right to the tips of my toes. It was a feeling that I can only describe, as, warmth and a spiritual haze that seemed to fill my insides with a mist of heat. So great was my joy. God had heard me, he had listened to me. She was there for me. Millions of miles away there was another soul who felt my needs, my heart and my desires.
Lydia and I have had the most wonderful friendship, one filled with spiritual warmth, respect and love. She taught me that we all have the power to take Authority in our own lives. She taught me how to pray, and most of all that there are many good people in this world. God always has an angel to catch us when we fall. We always hear so much bad news in the world. We have stopped trusting people; but the world really is full of many angels and God inspired people, we just have to want to see them.