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Growing Feelings Of Grief


Following an extremely protracted and distressing divorce three years earlier I had been meditating daily, initially as a method to calm my mind and body. As the practice of meditation progressed I became more interested in developing my senses to help me focus and improve aspects of my life.

My experience began as I awoke one morning with a gentle uneasiness in my chest. It was a clear and sunny spring morning and luckily for me my day off work, I had the day to myself as my partner was working, so it was just me and my dog, unfortunately however the uneasiness within my chest was slowly growing.

I decided to take our dog for a walk on the sports field adjacent to the rear of our house, the sun shone brightly and the air was clear and fresh but with a crisp cooler temperature that would sting your face if the wind became stronger, I deeply breathed in the cool air hoping it would help me feel better, unfortunately however there was no respite.

As the day progressed the uneasiness became slowly stronger, as if I had an extreme worry on my mind, of course I hadn't got any worry, no one had upset me and all was well in my life, I was however beginning to be concerned what the cause was.

My partner came home in the evening, we did all our normal evening things. I explained to my partner that the uneasiness in my chest was progressively becoming stronger and was now a strong physical ache, I actually said that it was like I was feeling grief or grieving for someone. Later my partner went to bed to sleep for the night, however I could not, I stayed up a couple of hours as the feeling in my chest persisted until I was on the verge of falling asleep through exhaustion, then fell into bed and deep slumber.

I awoke late the next morning, still with a heavy heart. I went to the kitchen, turned on my phone and received a text message from my mother letting me know that my ex father in law had died during the night, immediately all the bad feeling left my chest and a compressed memory hit me like bolt of lightening that my deceased ex father in law had visited me in the night/early hours of the morning, standing over me semi translucent with blue detailing, touching my shoulder with his hand and wispering to me 'Forgive them Steve'.

With the grieving gone I was left with mixed emotions, a sense of loss, a question mark why I had felt grief but most of all a strong belief that when we physically die we visit all those we love to say goodbye before continuing on our journey into the next plain of existence.

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