I first want to start by saying, I have never really considered myself to be a very spiritual person. Although I do believe in God, my relationship with Him is not what it should be. I was raised in church and my father is preacher, so I do know a little something about God. I just don't go to church and pray as I should.
To start at the beginning, I am 39 years old and during my lifetime, I have had some really bad experiences when it come to men. I was molested as a child, raped when I was a teenager, mentally and physically abused when I was married. Due to low self-esteem issues and having a need to be loved, I made all the wrong choices when it came to men.
A little over two years ago, I started a relationship with this guy that I have somewhat known for a couple of years. At the time that we started seeing one another we both were going through some things. I was trying to get my life together, and he was experiencing problems in his marriage. In fact him and his wife were separated but he went back home because she got sick and he didn't want to leave her at time, when she was down. He never lied to me about his situation and he never made me any promises. I knew it was wrong for me to get involved with this man but I did any way.
This man came into my life, and he helped me. He helped me with my kids, he helped me financially, emotionally, he encouraged me to go back to school, and most of all he encouraged me to strengthen my relationship with God. So I began to pray and read my bible. The more I prayed and read my bible, the more I began to feel convicted for the relationship that I had developed with this man. In fact, I started to feel so bad I knew I had to end the relationship. But rather than end the relationship, I stopped praying and reading my bible. I had fallen in love with this man and I did not want to give him up because he was everything I had prayed for and wanted in man except available.
Which brings me to my experience. Sunday, April 12th, I was home alone watching tv and the thought ran across my mind that I always seem to spend the holidays alone. Although, this man had taken me out the night before to make up for not being able to spend Easter with me, it wasn't enough. At that moment I knew what I had to do because what I wanted this man could not provide. I tried to push the thought of ending it with this man out of my head by doing some homework. I began writing a paper on dissociative disorders, but I was unable to focus on what I was writing. In my head, I kept hearing a man's voice telling me what to say to this man and to trust and believe in Jesus that this man would understand. I tried to run from what was going on, so I went into my bedroom. In my bedroom, I started to see vision of destruction. I remember seeing myself lose everything that I had and even harm coming to this man. The next thing I remember after that is telling God, You win, I give up, I'm giving my life to You.
No sooner than I had said that, I started feel something trying to persuade me to kill myself. I remember arguing saying, I'm not going to kill myself. No, I wont do it. Then I remember taking the bullets out of my pistol and saying I love Jesus and I believe in His word. Then I went back to front of my apartment, called this man and I told him that "I have to get Jesus in my life, and I promised God that I would let him go." So I let him go, once I did that I heard a voice say, "Believe and trust in Jesus and you will have everything you always wanted. He will come back to you, he needs some time to think about what it is he wants and you need time to get yourself together." I then saw a vision of myself, that man, and children standing out in front of a house, happy.