Greetings, this letter is a description, containing some detail, of the real events that have taken place in my life since early 2005. I have been browsing the Internet trying to find answers for my questions and possible solutions to my problem. I am requesting your patience as I guide you through the twist and turns my life has taken these last 2 years. I ask you to keep an open mind while reading as some things you may or may not understand. Once again, I appreciate your interest and also the investment of your time to read this letter. Once you have finished this letter, please send me an email or post a comment with your response. God Bless!
In February 2005 I became enlightened. Two or three weeks prior to this experience I caught a terrible virus or flu of some sort that completely robbed me of my appetite. I also had a near death experience and for the next few weeks I had only drunken small amounts of liquid and did not have an appetite for solid food.
After the second week, I began to experience unusual amounts of energy. At first I was a little worried because I had not been eating and did not know where the energy was coming from. During this time I had also effortlessly quit smoking, which was a tremendous boost to my will power and confidence and I quit being lazy too. All of a sudden I became extremely helpful around the house and at work, taking the initiative to complete tasks I wouldn't normally take on.
For the first time in my life I really felt good about myself and it began to shine through. I was living. In a short space of time I learned more about myself than I had ever imagined and grew wiser. At this time I was living in my first apartment with my girlfriend and our first-born son, who was approaching two years old. I started to feel like there was so much more I could be doing to live the life I wanted for my family and I.
I began reading a book titled, "What rich people know and desperately want to keep secret" by Brian Sher. This book felt like the missing piece to my puzzle. It confirmed a lot of what I had understood and provided me with everything I needed to know to start my journey to becoming rich and creating the life of happiness and peace I always felt I would have. I began to apply some of the missing principles to my life and became very optimistic and focused.
I became very focused on my health and even though I wasn't eating, I exercised everyday and for the first time in years I began to have vivid, positive dreams about my future. I woke up with a smile every morning and enjoyed each day to the fullest. I even tried to get my closest friends to jump on the same boat I had discovered and assist me in starting a business, but they didn't seem ready and so I felt like in order for me to continue in my path, I had to separate myself from their company. And so I did.
About the third week of not eating, on a Monday, not knowing that my body was in a fasting state, I decided to take something to cleanse my colon and possibly re-open my appetite. After doing this, I felt great, I had even more energy than I knew what to do with, but I still didn't experience hunger so therefore I didn't eat. On Tuesday, the following morning, after I had dropped my son off at daycare and brought my girlfriend to work, I decided to smoke some weed and meditate.
I used to smoke weed very often, socially, but decided to take a break once I got sick. While smoking, in a relaxed position, I felt myself drift into a meditative state where I began to see very clear answers to any thought or question in my mind; things that aren't so easily understood by most people; answers too clear for most people to grasp. I then became very anxious, not knowing how I had obtained such clear consciousness and wisdom, and tried to keep myself busy by washing dishes hoping that the constant flow of knowledge and truth would eventually go away. It was just too much for me to bear at the time.
Suddenly my attention was drawn towards the right and for a brief moment there was a watery image of a face right before my eyes and I just broke down to my knees in heavy tears. They were tears of extreme joy and repentance, unlike anything I have ever felt before. It felt like a part of me was watching this take place. I had been reunited with God.
However, naturally I immediately began referring to him as father, which wasn't something I usually did before. I would have never known what it feels like to have a true father had it not been for this experience. Shortly after I rose back up to my feet and I started to vibrate. I thought I was going insane, it felt like I was being pulled through a vortex of some sort, but when it was over, there was nothing but peace and serenity. Everything looked so different on the other side. I didn't see the world; I saw through it. I could look back at my past and see why things were the way they were, why I had made certain choices I had made and most importantly that God truly is within us and all around us; he is everything. I was balanced with the universe and therefore had all understanding of all life past, present, and was going to enjoy creating my future. I felt immortal and discovered a love like no other; a love indescribable by words that was never going to leave me, one that I could share with the world. I promised God that from that point on I was going to be the best person I could possibly be and accomplish everything I needed to accomplish and let my light shine.
I was so overjoyed by the experience that I told my girlfriend over the phone that I had found God. At the time I could tell she wasn't sure what that meant, but I was confident that I would help her understand once I saw her later on that evening. I was also conscious of that fact that many people wouldn't understand what I had experienced, especially my family members and decided I wouldn't tell them. I decided I would only tell those who might believe in me. Those whom I felt were more connected with their own spirituality.
I overruled my decision a couple days later, which I now regret, when I had seen my mother who came to my work place, one of my father's businesses, and requested to see me. Family members who I worked with had informed her, that something was "wrong" and that I was behaving different so she was concerned.
My mother asked me what had happened and why my eyes were so "wild" (fully opened, bright, alert). I told her that I had found God and that she was seeing the happiness and love in my eyes because he is now apart of me. For a moment she seemed pretty convinced and expressed her happiness for me. Then she asked me when it happened. Briefly, I explained what had occurred and expressed to her that I felt the weed that I smoked played a significant role in my enlightenment. My mother never liked that fact that I would smoke marijuana. She felt it was a "devils drug" and could not understand how marijuana and God could have a connection.
Suddenly she became very doubtful and angry and begged me to go to the hospital, which I clearly refused, not because I was in denial or afraid that something might be wrong, but because I couldn't possibly feel more healthy and alive than I did. As far as I was concerned the world was dead (unconscious), God and I were the only ones alive and I was going to help him bring others to life. I tried to calm her with wisdom, but the frequency I was tuned into was far too high for her to comprehend what I was saying. Eventually I departed and reassured her that everything was ok, but that I was not going to the hospital.
Every night I would meditate and needed very little sleep if any at all and felt extremely energetic. On the Friday I went to my former college, which I attended for 3 semesters, to play basketball. My athletic ability and knowledge of the game were like never before, but what I felt best about was that I was able to control the mood of the court. Instead of the usual rough, trash talking, egotistical games that take place. The court was calm and before arguments could heat up I was able to cool it down wisely. It felt great everyone had fun and even though I hardly scored it was the best basketball I have ever played. I made everyone on my team a better player each game and it felt like a great accomplishment.
I went to work after playing basketball feeling great of course. Much of my time at work was spent sending positive energy to everyone. My goal was to let everyone be aware of the presence of God. I could literally see God in everybody's eyes. Their eyes would glow and become one. Many people were a bit intimidated because we are not used to seeing so much love and joy in one person and don't know how to see it or what to even look for.
Also I was filled with complete truth and love so I would always look people directly into their eyes connecting with their soul, which is something people don't often do. When engaged in conversations with people I spoke directly to their souls. I would constantly ask people to question me with their doubts or concerns about God so that He could respond to them through me. I did not think about anything that I said, I didn't have to because our thoughts are just distractions and I was extremely focused.
I arrived home quite late that evening from work and my girlfriend and I decided to watch a horror movie. It was a little after midnight and I remember while watching the film I was very sensitive to the evil representations in the film. It seemed to cause a disturbance to my spirit. I remember taking my eyes off the film and praying to God making sure that he was still with me and I felt something trying to gain entrance into my body.
At first it was a bit nerve rattling, but I remember putting all of my faith and trust in God and basically signing my life away to him. At that moment I remember slowly but surely letting go of myself and letting his light fill me. It felt exactly like that, light, just entering my body and I myself became light. I felt as though I was floating. My girlfriend lay asleep on top of me and I remember just caressing her gently. However, it wasn't me that was caressing her, it was the energy that had taken over me, Christ.
At this point I felt closer to the father than I had ever imagined. A few moments later my girlfriend and I went to bed to lye down. As we lay facing each other, me on my right side her on her left, I felt my mind drifting away into sleep but I was still very conscious at this point and it felt like there was a force pulling me somewhere. Once again I had to let go and trust in God and I'm glad I did.
I remember a very powerful magnetic force pulling me in an upward direction where I was eventually greeted by our heavenly father. There was also an evil energy present. This energy was trying to hold on to me and I remember lashing out at it with very sharp words in a very calm manner but it didn't like that. It was behaving terribly like a spoiled child in rage, but I proceeded to speak. The word of God was far too much for it to bear.
I remember referring to this energy as Lucifer telling him how wrong and deceitful he is and that he needed to beg for forgiveness. I remember feeling the love that God had for this energy, a very strong love and with each spoken word of truth I felt this energy drifting from me. I remember God telling me that 'Lucifer' was deceiving me and that he wasn't ready to repent and so I fed him some more of the word of God until eventually he had repented and there was a great reunion between God, the Holy Spirit and I. This was the ultimate feeling of joy, happiness, and unconditional love. I remember we all hugged and I felt my girlfriend hug me and I realized that she was apart of the ceremony just as much as I was. The two of us were one flesh. I had learned so much about God and man during this brief ascension, which felt like a glorious day spent with God, than I ever had a clue of.
Shortly after, I got out of bed and I felt as though I had helped changed the world for good. I felt like we had just experienced judgment and all evil had repented and the world was now a better place. I turned on the television, thinking that everyone around the world had experienced some sort of revelation. I soon realized this was not what had occurred. Lucifer was a representation of my former ego that had kept me separated from God my whole life. Only I had experienced judgment.
I no longer had any recollection of any evil thought nor did I possess an evil bone in my body. I didn't remember anything negative about anyone regardless of what they might have done to me in the past. It was nothing but peace and love. I felt extremely powerful and immortal.
CLEANSING / REBIRTH
The following morning, on Saturday, I remember bringing my girlfriend to work and returning home with my son. I was very excited and joyful about the day. I was expected to be at work by 1 o'clock that afternoon but I thought I would go in a little early. I was also aware that my communication with my 1-year-old son was extremely sharp. I could speak to him and understand him without any words. I communicated with him the same way I communicated with God. He is God, he is I, and I am him. I understand that children are God and just want to enjoy life and everything they've created. That's why they always touch everything and feel they shouldn't have any restrictions. They know no danger.
When I did go in the shower my son followed, he didn't want to leave me, and I didn't want to leave him. He lay down outside the tub on his back, as I entered the shower, with his feet against the tub. I remember entering the shower with expectancy. At the time I wasn't exactly sure what I was expecting but I knew it was going to be something great.
While in the shower there was a sweet music that I could hear very clear. It was very ritualistic and it sounded similar to African drum patterns. Everything felt the way it should have. It was exactly what I was expecting. I could almost see the negative energy being washed away from me as the water showered my skin. I remember the feeling of having a brand new body with no opposing energy to way it down. A feeling of extreme euphoria, I felt extremely light as though I were hovering over the tub. When I eventually emerged from the shower my son looked at me, still lying on his back, and smiled. I noticed his feet were still against the tub and I replayed the sound of the music in my head and realized that he was a partaker in the celebration and he had known just as I had that something wonderful was about to take place which is why he placed himself in that position by the tub. I had experienced a baptism of the Holy Spirit.
My life had just begun at this point. I remember playing with my son up until we left the apartment that morning. I brought him to his aunt's house to stay until his mother finished work. I remember him crying and not wanting to part from me.
I arrived at work around noon feeling as though I was walking on a cloud. I greeted everyone I passed on the way and took a minute to give thanks to God for the weather and everything else. It was lightly snowing at the time and I noticed that when I arrived to work many people started to come in. In fact it was the busiest Saturday the store had ever experienced and it wasn't a holiday. There were only three of us working at the time and we all noticed it.
It's like I carried the torch of light that we all spend our lives searching for. My attraction for women multiplied exceedingly and it was hardly physical. I just had a very strong love and respect for the divine nature of women. Every woman I made contact with that day left completely head over heels. I wanted them to feel the love that they truly deserve. It was all God's doing.
My biological father and I never had a good relationship. In fact he never had much of a relationship with any of his kids. His neglect as a loving father forced me to grow and mature very quickly. That same Saturday evening, after I had closed up the shop, my father came over to check up on me. A few customers told my father that I had been preaching about God. A part of me was very excited to see him and wanted to forgive him. I understood why he was the way he was and appreciated him for it.
Unfortunately, most of the things I understood then I don't understand so much now, but I remember us both crying and embracing each other, for the first time in years, with a loving hug. I'm sure he didn't understand at the time why I was so happy but I know he felt the love. He asked me if I was o.k. I told him I was a changed man, that God was now part of me and that I could understand our past relationship as father and son, but it was now time for a change. His face seemed worried, but his spirit was delighted. Once again I assured him that I was fine and left to go home. My sisters were also present and needed a ride home so of course I offered.
My younger sister and I spoke during the ride. She explained to me her doubts and concerns about my actions and I expressed to her that truth is most often found outside the box and that in order to understand she would have to keep an open mind. I proceeded to share my wisdom with her and by the time we had arrived at my mother's house, she seemed a lot more convinced and gave me a hug. I asked them to greet my mother for me and I began to drive off.
Within a few seconds my sister called and said my mother wanted to see me. I was certain that she wanted to convince me to visit the hospital, but I decided to go back to her home anyway. When I entered my mother's house, she was on the phone with one of her sisters, my aunt, and asked her sister to speak with me and pray.
My aunt questioned me about the experience, I explained and the conversation ended with her praying for me. She too seemed pretty convinced that God was with me. My mother was the only person close to me that was in great doubt. She was crying exceedingly begging me to go to the hospital. I tried to comfort her and let her know that I understood what she was going through but that she was going to have to trust me and keep her faith in God for he was the one guiding me.
My mother would often try drastically to stir anger or negative emotion in me, but failed time after time. All I knew was love and so I would counteract her attempts to evoke negative emotion from me with positive responses, which often left her puzzled and unsure how to react. I started to sense that my mother's spirit wanted to believe me, but her mind just wouldn't allow her. It was her mind set, she believed, that had gotten her through the tough life she lived to where she now felt comfortable. She is very dependent on her ego therefore she was unwilling to compromise her beliefs.
My mother was once a nurse and witnessed many patients that had abused drugs, and claimed to be an angel or even Jesus and would constantly speak of God and spiritual things. Because of this my mother was very reluctant to accept my awakening. I remember confidently explaining to my mother that I had not gone crazy and that no doctor could possibly prove that I was. I then explained to her that people generally fear what they do not understand and that there are negative forces that will do all they can to silence those who maybe a threat to their system. Those who might expose them and help others free themselves from mental captivity. I explained to her that this is why when one has experienced an awakening, whether drug induced or not, they are quickly medicated.
My mother refused to believe that there was more to life than what she could see. I started to feel that if the medical system she believed in let her down and indeed the doctor confirmed that he could not detect a problem it might cause her to open her mind a little bit. I was confident this would happen and felt it would relieve my mother and family from their worries and possibly steer them towards God. I then offered to go with them to the hospital.
TEST OF FAITH
Before we left the house to go to the hospital, I went outside to be alone. I prayed and asked God to let the results of the doctor's analysis prove to them what they refuse to accept and allow them to turn to him. After I had finished praying I felt empowered and confident.
Shortly after my mother and two of my friends, who arrived after I did, emerged from the house, we all departed in my mother's vehicle. I agreed to travel in one vehicle because I had not anticipated the stay at the hospital to be long.
When we arrived at the hospital we had to check in. I greeted the nurse at the desk and my mother explained to her that I urgently needed to see a doctor and have him run some tests because she feared I was psychotic. I stood there and smiled. I found great humor in the matter and the way my mother was behaving. The lady looked at me and I could tell she had great doubt about my mother's accusations.
My mother then told her that I overdosed on marijuana. The nurse asked me if this was true and I denied. I told her that I had consumed a small amount of marijuana earlier that week and had not smoked any since then. My mother pleaded to the nurse and told her that I haven't been sleeping or eating. I confirmed my mother's plea and told the nurse that I felt extremely healthy and full of energy and that I had lost my appetite due to a cold virus, but that I was sure my appetite would reopen shortly. She agreed and said that I appeared to be healthy.
My mother interrupted and informed the nurse about the change in my behaviour and that I kept preaching about God. The nurse looked indecisive about how she should respond. It appeared the nurse was beginning to think that my mother was indeed the 'lunatic' because of her aggression towards trying to convince the nurse something was terribly wrong with me. My mother then explained that my behaviour was unusual and that she felt it was the result of chronic marijuana abuse. The nurse stated that she felt otherwise but agreed to run some tests.
We waited about 30 minutes before my name was called. I followed the nurse to the back area where she ran a basic checkup and took some blood from me. Another half hour later, the blood test results came back. The nurse explained that there was a very small amount of marijuana in my blood and that everything else seemed fine. Considering how long I have been smoking marijuana she stated that she doesn't believe that the marijuana had damaged any nerves in my brain as my mother was suggesting. She suggested that I go home and try to rest and return to the hospital if in a few days if I still had not slept or eaten. I couldn't agree with the nurse more.
So far this visit had gone exactly as I had predicted. My mother on the other hand was not satisfied with what the nurse had concluded and insisted that I receive a second assessment from a doctor. In an attempt to discourage her, the nurse told my mother that the doctors were extremely busy and the wait would be very long. At this point I remember telling my mother that the doctors won't be able to find a problem because there wasn't a problem and that I think it was time we went home. My mother begged for me to stay and wait to see another doctor.
At first I refused and tried to convince my mother that we were wasting our time. I remember asking her to question me with her concerns so that God could respond to her through me but she wouldn't. I realized that her faith at this point was only in the doctors and unless the doctor confirmed that I had experienced a spiritual enlightenment, she would not believe me. I explained to my mother that the doctor couldn't possibly determine my state of mind based on medical knowledge alone and therefore would not know how to deal with the situation. When my mother refuse to listen to me I remember smiling to myself, certain that everything I said would unfold, and it did.
After the long wait, we were escorted into a room by the waiting area and told to wait for the doctor. When the doctor, who was a psychotherapist, had arrived he began questioning me. I was extremely calm and told him that I had become enlightened and he appeared slightly intimidated by the confident look in my eyes. Every question he asked me I answered wisely, helping him try to understand what I was saying.
At times when the doctor would take a minute to process what I was saying my mother would disrupt his thought process, almost as if she felt I was brainwashing him. By the end of the meeting the doctor seemed quite puzzled and could not come to any conclusion and recommended we meet with another doctor. I looked at my parents once again and they seemed just as puzzled as the doctors. I told my parents that I had complied with them and was now ready to leave the hospital. Of course they begged for me to wait for the other doctor. At this point I really wanted to leave, I felt I had done what my mother had asked and started to feel a little uncomfortable. I was still extremely positive and patient, but anxious to get it over with.
When the second doctor came he was very reluctant to make eye contact with me. He directed all of his questions to my mother and noted all of her responses. I remember telling him that he should be talking to me instead of my mother but she made flawless effort to capture his attention. I could tell he was very intimidated by me. I was not aggressive but justly outspoken and not at all passive.
Unlike the meeting with the first doctor, I did not get the opportunity to explain for myself what I had been experiencing. My mother wanted to make sure that I did not get the opportunity to share any insight with the doctor. This way, things were guaranteed to go her way. I remember my mother reasoning with the doctor telling him that she too had studied medicine and worked many years as a nurse in ER and that she is familiar with patients such as myself who suffer from marijuana induced mental illnesses. With this being said, it was clear that the doctor felt he did not need to thoroughly examine me. He then asked me to confirm the mere facts that my mother told him: That I had smoked weed earlier that week, I had not maintained a regular appetite, and that I professed to be spiritually enlightened. After receiving his confirmation, the doctor, uncomfortably, left the room and I could sense that something was not going to go right.
I wanted to be alone so I told my family I was going to the washroom. On my way to the washroom, I was told by one of the hospital staff, standing outside the room door, that if I attempted to leave the hospital they would call security. It wasn't until then did I think I may have to make a sudden exit, but I did not want to portrait myself as guilty by any means.
I went back into the room and told my parents and girlfriend that I was leaving. This time I was not going to allow myself to be persuaded. I started to make my way out of the room and was met by the same hospital staff member holding a cup and pill in her hands. She handed the pill and cup filled with water to me but I did not receive them. I told them that I was not going to take any medication and told them I wanted to leave. The lady once again warned me about leaving, but I wasn't fearful of security at all. My mother begged and begged for me to take the pill. She told me that it was just a sleeping pill to help me relax. I didn't know what they were talking about because I was always relaxed, my heart beat was always steady and calm.
I told them that the pill would not have an effect on me for I was of the spirit and not the flesh. Seeing my mother so desperate for me to take this drug reminded me why I had agreed to come to the hospital. I felt that if I could prove to her that this medication would not have any affect on me my mission would be complete. I prayed and asked God for guidance and asked him to shield me from any affects the medication could have. I felt safe with this prayer and faithful that I would not be affected by the medication.
After taking the pill, I was asked to stay in the room while the medication settled in. I complied thinking they were going to be dumbfounded when they returned to observe that the pill did not work.
My parents had gone home and left my girlfriend and I at the hospital. I was not even aware that my body had fallen asleep and I remember exiting from the hospital room the next morning feeling different. My girlfriend and I waited outside the hospital for my mother to return and my mind was in a blur. I didn't feel the same connection with God as I had the day before or even the week before. I was not intact with my consciousness and I didn't feel one with my body or mind, I felt separated. I remember being lost in my mind when my mother asked how I felt.
Honestly I wasn't sure what had happened to me but I knew something wasn't right. I felt that I needed to protect the reputation of God so I told my mother I was fine and just needed some rest. I refused to admit to her that I was no longer in my enlightened state. Before taking me home, my mother took my girlfriend and I to my father's restaurant. For the first time in three weeks I felt, what I believed to be, my appetite open up. My family was very supportive and caring. They didn't allow me to help myself with anything.
I remember feeling very offended by the behaviour of my family members and I had not felt a negative emotion in over a week prior to that day and it worried me. I couldn't understand why everyone seemed so relieved and loving when I was clearly distraught. I could not understand why I had not received such reconciliation when I was happy and loving and extending my heart to everyone. I decided to block these thoughts until my consciousness or my light returned to me so that I could deal with things better.
The more I tried to block these thoughts the more they began consuming my mind, but I believed, at the time, that it was only temporary and that eventually I would revert to my enlightened state. My cousin noticed me shaking nervously and asked me about it. I wasn't aware that I was shaking for I could barely feel my body, but when she asked I told her I was just tired. I was very determined to prove to my family that I was not affected by the medication. I wanted them to acknowledge the power of God.
Before I left my father's restaurant, he had prepared a meal for me containing green vegetables, fish, and provisions. I asked for this because I learned, during my enlightenment, that we are to consume food from the earth especially the trees. On the way home my mother had presented me with medication that she was able to get the doctor, from the hospital, to prescribe for me.
The medication was called Seroquel - quetiapine furmamate an anti psychotic medicine. When my mother asked me to take this pill, I refused. I told my mother that the medication would not affect me and refused once again to take it. My mother began crying and begging me to take the pill because she was afraid that I would experience another "mania" episode. I responded to my mother and told her there wasn't anything that could prevent that and if she would just be patient she would understand things more clearly.
Once again, despite how I felt, I eventually agreed to take one of the Seroquel pills. I felt that after I had gotten some rest I would be restored. I started to feel extremely drowsy and by the time we had reached my mother's house, to get my vehicle, I felt as though I couldn't drive and went inside to sleep. My mother disturbed me, shortly after I had lied down, and attempted an exorcism on me by my bedside. I was extremely hurt and upset by this and immediately left my mother's home. I realized at this point that my mother had not even been making the slightest effort to trust in the power of God and mistook my display of pure grace and love for evil. As drowsy as I was I drove home and fell asleep.
I woke up late afternoon the following day feeling worse than I did the day before. I felt as though I had maybe awakened from a comma except it seemed I was living in a nightmare. I felt like I was trapped somewhere inside my body watching myself move and do things that I wasn't exactly in control of. Imagine being in the back seat of a car operating with artificial intelligence and tied down so tightly that you couldn't do anything to take control of the wheel. I felt as though my brain was shut down and I had to operate myself with whatever senses I could find at the time, which weren't very many.
Till this day I still feel the same, but a little more in control of my self. I remember opening the bible and still being able to decode the parables and see truth to the bible, as I discovered when I initially became enlightened, but this time the messages wouldn't transfer to where I could understand. Again I convinced myself that this was only temporary and that eventually I would get back my senses.
After that I ate some food, the same food I had gotten from my father's restaurant the day before, and after a few bites I was very full. The size of my stomach had shrunk incredibly. I continued to eat in small amounts over the next few days. I wanted to get back on track with my business venture and all that was to come from it, but I couldn't. I began to feel very lifeless and weak.
I spent that whole week sitting on the couch waiting for my life energy to return back to my body. I remained positive about this at first, but when I began to feel myself descending I realized something was wrong. I had no connection with the universe or God and my mind began to run rapid in thought. Anxiety began to take over me and I became very fearful. I lost complete control over my mind and couldn't stop it from thinking at an uncontrollable pace. My communication became very poor; it took me a while to respond to things. I would pray and ask the Holy Spirit to guide me and I could feel the energy making attempts to fill my body, but for some reason it wouldn't stay grounded inside me.
One evening I smoked some weed, hoping that it may help. Instead I believe it made things worse; my mind started to race and there was an indescribable pain just below my navel region as if I was being punched in the gut heavily, but in a downward motion.
The next day or two I noticed a patch of hair, about an inch diameter, missing from the top of my head. I also became aware of Golden brown hairs, which looked like dried up roots, underneath my scrotum. I wasn't quite sure what any of this meant and didn't know who to talk to. Instead of seeing the light and love in people I began to see very negative things and had negative emotions. I became extremely jealous and adapted many negative characteristics that were never before apart of me.
Suddenly I felt like everyone and everything was out to get me. I saw only death around me and felt very unwelcome. I became extremely paranoid, I could barely walk down the hall of my apartment without looking over my shoulder every few seconds. I could feel a negative energy surrounding me and I was completely horrified by it. I felt as though I was living out an actual horror movie where death would eventually meet up with me. I made desperate attempts to pray to the Lord to rescue me and when he didn't I started to feel as though I was being punished for something I might have done.
As quick as I had discovered life, I had found death.
I came to a point so low that I could clearly understand why some people take their own lives. I was literally walking through the valley of the shadow of death and had it not been for God introducing himself to me prior to this descent I probably would have taken my life too.
On top of everything I had been going through my mother would often call to ridicule me; telling me that I let marijuana mess up my life, that I had a bi-polar disorder, and that I had let the devil trick me and now he has me trapped. These claims were heavy blows to my will and against my hope to one day restore myself. I was not willing to let this downfall get the best of me so I fought back.
In times of intense fear, I would challenge myself to be brave. I would practice staying focused during conversation and not let my mind get carried away into thought. The hardest thing for me to do, and still is, was to be optimistic and keep every thought positive.
My anxiety attacks were most brutal during the night when I would try to sleep. I would feel this negative energy trying to gain entrance into my body each time I began to doze off. It may have been the Holy Spirit, but because of my state of mind it was perceived as evil. I started having frightening dreams of myself doing wicked things, things that I wouldn't even think of doing and I couldn't control myself. I would fall asleep no sooner than 3 am and wake up every morning between 4:30 to 6:30 am.
I noticed I was very sensitive to the sun and the moon and I could actually feel the sun rise within me before it appeared outside. This became therapeutic to me because it gave me hope and helped me believe that God was still with me. When the moon was in cycle I could feel its radiation inside me and it would cause slight anxiety and still does today.
I was also very sensitive to fire and water. I often burnt incense and when I had become enlightened, the smoke from the incense would separate into two straight, sharp beams and extend in my direction. The fire on the incense would also glow more fiercely when this took place. At work my co-workers were very astonished by this as the two smoke beams would stretch 10ft across the room on a horizontal angle to where I would be standing. It was memories of these things that kept me going and gave me a bit of hope.
Now when I burn incense the same thing occurs only when my mind is at peace, but the smoke beams aren't nearly as long or as sharp and don't always extend in my direction. It is these things that have prevented me from giving into death and have allowed me to have faith that one day I will be healed.
Several months later, after the intense horror had passed, I was still adapting to the change. I was still very depressed and up until recently, most of my time was spent at work and on the couch at my mother's house.
One day, I decided to visit my family doctor. I expressed to him that I believed the pill that I had taken, prescribed by the doctor from the hospital, caused me great psychological damage. He disagreed with me and said that one pill could not have affected me so much and that I should give myself more time to heal. I remember asking him why someone so happy, loving, and harmless as I was, speaking about the love of god, would be perceived a psychopath. His response was shocking, he told me that if this type of medication, such as the one I had taken, was present during the centuries noted in the bible, prophets would have never exited. I was completely lost for words after his response and had nothing more to say. He prescribed some anti-depressants for me, but I knew I was not going to fill that prescription. I decided, for the love of me, I would never take any pharmaceutical medication again, especially that prescribed by a doctor.
Not being able to function properly made it difficult for me to accumulate extra money outside of work like I had always done. So in fear of being evicted and buried deeper in debt, I convinced my girlfriend that we should move back to my mother's house.
While there, I slowly regained a bit of strength and courage and decided to fast. I had been doing some reading on fasting as well as organic food and felt that it may help me heal myself. I also came to realize that it was fasting that cleansed my blood and allowed it to flow freely, opening my chakras, and had contributed to my enlightenment. I ate organic food for about 3 months prior to me attempting a successful fast. Eating organic food helped me quite a bit; I felt little more energetic and productive, thought more positively and ate less.
I lost about ten of the thirty pounds I had put on after my descent and the hair on top of my head slowly started to grow back. I fasted approximately 18 days on raw organic fruits and some vegetables. It was difficult the first 10 days or so, but I could feel my chakras starting to regain energy.
Once again I was awaken every morning by the sun and every Friday evening I would become very tired. By the 12th - 15th day into my fast I had a lot more energy and began to portrait some of the same characteristics I had adapted just before my enlightenment; my higher self started to emerge. Around the 16th - 17th day of my fast I remember it was a full moon outside and I meditated most of the night in bed and I felt my higher self merging with my body. The feeling was very similar to the first experience I had except I didn't feel the energy throughout my entire body and I still had not regained my consciousness.
During the time I was fasting my father had asked me to take over one of his businesses and manage it. I was very eager to get back onto my path in life that was lost due to this long trail of unfortunate events so I agreed. I started putting in a lot of extra hours at the business, some times up to 16 hours per day, and therefore decided to end my fast early. I didn't realize at the time how crucial it was to end my fast accordingly even though I had made the mistake the first time.
I ended my fast with a lamb dinner only 18 days into the fast. I had only taken a few bites before I became extremely full and I believe this caused my body to go into a state of shock. It took about a week for me to start to digest the meal, with plenty laxative and apple cider vinegar.
As time went by, I slowly started to feel weak and depressed until I no longer had the energy left to continue fighting to restore myself. I was completely drained of energy. One morning while driving to work I fell asleep and lost control of my vehicle on the highway. Fortunately I didn't hit anybody else and manage to escape the accident without a scratch on my body, which was almost unbelievable considering my vehicle had over $15,000 worth of damages. I couldn't afford the repair and I had no insurance at the time so I had to write off the vehicle, but I'm still obligated to paying the loan. I was never really dependent on material things, but going through everything I had gone through during this period in 2005, besides having my girlfriend and my son, I felt my car was all I had. I couldn't help but once again feel as though I was being punished for something that I might have done wrong.
I slowly slipped back into depression. Everything had begun to take its toll on me again. I started to feel as though I would never recover my old self or my new self for that matter. I couldn't see a way out and I was the best problem solver I ever knew. I regained about 50 lbs and began smoking cigarettes again. I started to lose hope and felt helpless to my cause.
I remained in this horrible state until September 2006, when my father had sold the business on short notice, and I was unemployed. I've always been good with money so I was still able to contribute to bills and take care of my family for two months. Not having a job worried me at first, but I felt a lot happier and less stressed. During the whole time I had become depressed and descended I continued working. As unbearable as my situation was, I tried to fight it by not letting it dictate my life so I continued to work.
Now I understand that my decisions at the time were based off fear; the fear of not making money, not being able to support my family and myself, and not being able to perused my dreams. I realize now that I let pride get the best of me and maybe had I been honest with myself; instead of being in denial thinking I would one-day just wake up from this nightmare, I could have received some help and probably wouldn't be in the position that I am in today.
To be honest, I haven't really done a whole lot up until now, writing this letter, to seek restitution from my situation. I think it's because I've learnt, throughout my life, to depend only on myself for help and answers in life and I have always been a winner. The truth is I have never participated in anything where I felt I did not have enough control over the circumstance. In my eyes this made me a winner. Admitting to defeat maybe the hardest thing I will ever have to do, but I've reached the cement now and I don't have much tools to continue digging with.
RECAP / RECOUP
I've spent the last 22 months reflecting on the past, remembering how great life became once I became enlightened, and even how great it was before my awakening. I've tried time and time again to retrace my steps to see where I might have gone wrong, but I am still unsure. I've finally been able to let go and accept what I cannot change at this present moment with my own will but the feeling of separation, missing a piece of myself, does not fade at all.
I believe I still feel this way because the other part of me, the part that truly makes me who I am, feels the same way. I've also done some research on the human brain as well as energy flow and chakras. I believe that the medication that I took blocked some of the receptors in my brain causing the chemicals to become imbalanced and misdirected affecting the energy flowing through my chakras. This sudden change in chemical flow sent my chakras spinning in an opposite direction. Because of frequency that my chakras had accumulated I was able to experience enlightenment and ascend to heaven. Due to the quick change in my chakra flow, my chakra's spun in the opposite direction at a similar frequency. This is why I experienced the horror of fear, jealousy, and doubt at there lowest points.
My will at this point in my life is still very weak, but I intend to give my all once again and seek the help that I need to heal myself and rebuild my life. Another problem I've been faced with is that I have zero income as I have not been working for a couple months. I would like to earn some money, but I'm afraid that if I start working again in this condition I will sink myself deeper into depression and will not have the time to focus on my healing. I'm really in a position where I'm not sure what I should do. If my healing becomes a secondary objective and I start working again, I may become so depressed that I may lose my job or be forced to quit because of my inability to cope with stress. If this were the case I would have wasted time that could have been used towards my healing only to bury myself deeper into depression.
I feel that I have wasted enough time as well as energy that I can't afford to spend, trying to deal with this matter on my own. Right now my family relies on my girlfriend's income, which isn't even enough to deal with our expenses and we've had to cut back quite a bit. I am writing this letter seeking someone that will understand what I've gone through and be empathetic to my situation. Someone with greater knowledge than myself that would be willing to share some of his or her knowledge with me. Someone blessed with the ability to heal or encourage healing or someone with information about where I may be able to receive some help. Someone who may be in a better position than I am and may be willing to contribute in any way they can to my cause. Also someone I can talk to.
I feel that it is very important for me to overcome this adversity because many people, including myself before this experience, have wondered and still wonder why, in their time, they have not witnessed any prophets or people who have walked in the spirit such as; Moses, Jesus, David, etc., whom are all mentioned in the bible. I believe the North American perception is that prophets no longer exist and that we will not witness someone with divine status and supernatural ability until the second coming of Jesus Christ. The truth is, even if Jesus Christ descended upon earth today we wouldn't know him. He would say and do things so far beyond our level of understanding that we would accuse him of being mentally ill, accuse him of committing blasphemy and some of us may even want to crucify him especially if he doesn't look anything like the way he has been portrayed to us all these years.
I believe there have been prophets and there still are prophets who have been rejected, falsely accused, institutionalized, and looked down upon by society, no different than what is documented in the bible, all in the name of God. I believe that many were not prepared for the reaction of the world and now suffer spiritual affliction because of their hardship.
I also believe there are those of us who follow a righteous path and work diligently at increasing our own vibrations and growing in wisdom to achieve enlightenment and attain our divinity and try to surround ourselves with people with like energy. We are all one in the same and I believe it is our duty to protect one another and secure the love of God. I feel that by overcoming my hardship I can restore hope in many peoples life as well as help to open up the minds of others and prepare them for the future.
I feel that my life isn't worth anything unless I'm able to use it for the benefit of others. Therefore I am willing to start a new chapter in my life. A chapter dedicated to the restoration of my being so that I may continue to fulfill the duties that our heavenly father has prepared for me. I am asking you to assist me with this challenging task if you are able to do so. I can assure you that your assistance and loving heart will not go unnoticed by me nor by our heavenly father.
I sincerely thank you for committing the time, away from your schedule, to revisit and walk with me through the most sensitive and imperative stages of my life. I hope that you were able to find some intriguing details in this letter that may trigger a response, as I look forward to hearing from you again. I will keep you in my prayers and I hope that you will do the same.