I have been in doubt a couple of years if I should share my story or not. First I wasn't sure my self about the experience and I thought people would maybe brand me as crazy. Well actually I buried it in my mind. My life was not looking well the last couple of years and I was going downhill fast. Even to the point I didn't love life no more. But as I remembered the experience not so long ago I've felt a change in me and I am slowly growing in something I like again.
Well I will tell you the experience now. It was 5 years ago, I was with my girlfriend on vacation in Spain. We went to see Barcelona and the big Church there. My girlfriend lost her grandfather recently then and she asked me for some time alone to light a candle there and to pray.
So I obliged and went to the other side of the church, I also lighted a candle and thought of all my loved ones. Then I felt this hand on my left shoulder. I thought it was my girlfriend so I would know she was done, I turned around, nobody was there. I kept feeling this hand, or better yet the feeling it gave. Such rest, such love, indescribable.
Like it all made sense. I didn't know it is one of His signs so I buried it in my memory. Afraid to be called crazy, and I felt undeserving of the sign.
Then my girlfriend left me 2 years later, lost my job, got sick, family problems and sickness. I was on the verge of taking my own life even though I know how sinfully that is.
Now recently I saw in a serie I watch (the collector), the man in the serie is a ex-priest who was seduced by the devil into sin and he ended up selling his soul. In that particular episode he looked back to his priesthood and cried out that he never got a sign from God, never had he seen a sign or felt his hand on his shoulder, with those exact words I almost choked on my coffee and I looked it up on internet and not only that also remembering the exact moment in that church in spain.
I am able to relive the feeling I got from that hand on my shoulder, the rest it gave, the re-assurance if you would like, because in my opinion I already did so many things wrong, sinned so much that I would never deserve this feeling, this attention, I still feel that way and I am actually crying as I type this. It goes to show that it doesn't matter, he will love you, forgive you. I never believed this because like I said, I am not a role model, never was, maybe will never be. I do my best but I can't seem to find what I am looking for, the girlfriend I had, I wanted to marry her, wanted a family with her. I love(d) her with all my heart and would have given my life if it would save her.
Now I am turning too old so I lost hope in this area and have given up again. So yes I am lonely, I have some friends sure. But you know what? If I then think of the hand on my shoulder and I don't care anymore I know now I am in Gods hands.
Now the last couple of weeks I have let God into my heart, now knowing for certain it was His hand. I let Him carry me and pick and reap the opportunities he puts on my path from which I strayed so often.
Now my life is looking up. And I know I am not there yet but I feel different already and in the meantime have made some new friends, got a new job, I can get along with my colleagues and again made some friends. Well I feel a bit strange now, I am not a church going person. I am not even baptized so religion wise I would not be eligible.
Does anybody know where I can find more info about this experience? Yes the Bible of course but which and where? Much appreciated. And maybe it can not be said often enough but I am pretty sure the He loves you, He is there, He is forgiving, even though you maybe never get a sign (I needed one obviously) He loves you, He changed my life for sure so, I love Him to.