My mother passed away in 1988. I was only nineteen when she passed away. Since I missed her so much, and because I still needed her in so many ways, I believe she has continued to guide me many times. In addition to her visiting me shortly after her death, there have been times that I have felt her, and situations have come up that are way too much for coincidence.
The night before her funeral my mother came to me in my dream. I was so happy to see her, and the dream was so real that I believed that her death had to have been some terrible misunderstanding. After all, she was right there before my eyes.
I asked her, "Mom, is that really you?"
"Yes, baby girl, it is me, but I only have a minute," she replied.
I began to wail because I did not want her to go, I did not want to believe that she was dead, after all I had just experienced a miracle. So I said, "no you can not go..."
Her presence left, it slowly dimmed out. I realized it had to be a dream. Then in the dream a phone rang, and I answered it. It was my mother. She explained that it was too much for me to see her, so she decided to call me so that I would not be so upset. She said that she had to talk to me.
"I do not have a lot of time, and I want you to know that I love you, and anything that you feel bad for, you need to let go of. All of the things that you want to say to me, I will hear. I will always be with you, and not just in your heart. I gotta go, take care of your girls, I love them too..."
Then the phone was silent. I cried so hard that it woke me. When I woke I did not have to strain to remember the dream, her words were like they were a part of me. I know that my grief could have made me think strange things and that I could have willed this in some way. However, the sense was so assuring and I knew it was real beyond any doubt. It was different than the kind of dreams that "just feel real..."
Regardless of rather it was her speaking to me or just a dream does not matter because she has shown me signs that removed any doubt that I may have had. On my first Christmas without her, a small bell rang completely on its own. That alone may not seem like there is anything spiritual about it. However, she had always gotten me a new ornament for Christmas every year. For the last couple of years since I was on my own, I too had gotten her an ornament as a Christmas gift. During our last Christmas together we exchanged ornaments as in the past. To our surprise they were the exact same ornaments. A tiny Christmas bell. This is the bell that rang on it's own.
My mother had me write down the story of "The Night Before Christmas," as she had told me for years, so that I may continue the tradition and tell it to my two daughters. On the second Christmas, I was looking to read it for the first time to my daughters, as the year before it was too painful. I could not find it. I thought I had put it with the Christmas cards that I keep. However, that was not the case. I said a silent apology to my mom for losing it, and promised that I would retell it as best as I could. I gathered the girls to begin the story when my oldest daughter (then age 5) said that I had to hang up one more Christmas stocking. It had been my mother's, but I explained to her that it was my mom's and since she was not alive anymore, I did not think I should put it up. My daughter explained, "Mamaw says you have to hang it up..."
I looked at her amused that she was trying to get me to do something by telling using, so to speak, the your mom said so, kind of thing. However, she explained that Mamaw had just told her right now. I was too amazed to question it. So I got the stocking and while straightening it up to be hung, I found our version of "The Night Before Christmas" that we had wrote.
This may seem like a coincidence, but again there is a sense of assurance that I felt when she told me this, and I do not think my daughter was old enough to make it up. Besides I felt my mother's presence regularly, although it did not seem as often as it was in the beginning. I think this is due that I needed her less and less. However, there were a few other times she made herself known, and one in particular, but I will leave those to the next time I post. My mother will always guide me.
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