I am 25, nearly 26 years old. As a child I was told stories of my heritage, but only a trickle. It was so watered down through the generations that I doubted that they were true. The story was that one of my great grandfathers (several "greats") traded some guns and horses for my great (several "Greats") grandmother. It rang slightly true, but again... I doubted there were many facts to the tale. Everyone around here claims to be "part Indian" of some type or another. I was not eager to include myself among them just to hear the words come out of my mouth. But my cousin did some digging for a college project and found out that there may be more truth to it than we had thought. The ancestor website said that we are descendants of a Creek Indian Princess! My Great Grandfather had traded with CHIEF Little Bear (allegedly, I am still a skeptic) The Creeks are Cherokee more or less from what I understand. So it did intrigue me that the story had some credibility behind it!
Rewinding once more to my childhood, I have always had an affinity for nature and animals; more so for canines... And even MORE towards wolves. My mother told me that I've dreamed of wolves since I was young. But I can't remember them. I know that in my heart, I've always felt like a wolf. Even when I played with other children... I was either a wolf... Or a dinosaur but that is neither here nor there;) I never really paid attention to it other than occasionally feeling a heavy ache in my heart for not being able to snarl or howl to express my hurt and anger like a wolf can. I felt like a wolf without a pack in a sense... One with a muzzle on.
With that in mind, and having the story of my ancestors ringing in my ears, I began to do my own research on the Cherokee. I youtubed for some Cherokee stories or songs and found out that my FAVORITE Native American story was from the Cherokee! The story about the two wolves battling within us. The black wolf was full of anger and rage. Fighting with everyone all of the time for no reason at all. And the white wolf who was at peace with nature and would fight but only for the right reason and in the right way. It was a story that touched me because I have always said I am my own contradiction... Always fighting a battle within myself to stand up and fight or stand back and see how things play out. Finding that it was Cherokee hit home and was the starting point on the path I walk now.
My mother told me that the wolf is my spirit guide. But I knew in my heart that it was a road that I needed to travel myself... No one can just TELL me what my animal guide is. So, I began to meditate. I laid on my bed and took big deep breaths. I felt the stress wash from my body and leave it in waves. I began to tingle all over and I stared at the designs in the blackness of my closed eyes. Soon though, it was no longer black. I saw a hollow tree but hazy... As though a television was not on the right channel or you peered at it through a dirty window. But, from the tree, I saw a raccoon. It popped its head out playfully but remained within the tree. Beneath it, out popped the head of a rat who followed suit... Just looking about but never leaving the safety of the hollowed tree. Then, a large buck wandered past. He picked at some grass but never really lifted his head. It was a peaceful setting and I began to wonder if I could have more than one animal guide...
But then all went black again, my heart fluttered with uncertainty. The atmosphere around me changed. From the blackness sprung two burning yellow eyes... Not red, but just a very bright smoldering yellow. I jumped but didn't come out of my... Trance? Whatever it was. Then it snarled and its white teeth popped out of the blackness like a sore thumb... It moved and I saw that the surrounding blackness was its coat. I was terrified, whatever it was... Wolf or not, it was not happy with me.
I woke with a start. I may have fallen asleep, I had been doing the breathing exercises on my bed lying on my back. But dreams are places where the spirit guides could visit me... Why would this wolf come at me in such a threatening manner? I am so afraid and unsure. Have I done something to anger my wolf? My heart breaks with the thought, but why else would it approach me in such a way? I feel like HE is my spirit guide... Maybe the others are as well, but I feel like HE is me.
I am afraid of going this journey alone now without some type of Native American guide... What if I do something wrong? I don't think I can try again. My heart hurts even now and I am trembling in fear...