I would like to refer to what I experienced in those days as something akin to "the filling of the Holy Spirit", although I have not actually explored this theory. For four days I didn't eat and simply lay in bed. I'm just about able to describe what happened in those four days in a journal form, but that's all, because I wish to continue to be considered "normal" (I'm not at all interested in getting committed to a mental hospital).
What triggered my 4-day experience was the loss of my job and consequently the loss of a closely-knit community, the people to whom I felt very close and who made me feel really good. This unexpected life change truly shook me to the core. I believe that this pain, a kind of existential despair, was the trigger for the experience that I will now describe.
Altered State of Consciousness
For four days I constantly listened to my inner life in a sort of dimmed wakefulness. The outside world was still there, but only very much on the margins. The focus of my awareness was inside, on the perception of what could be referred to as my own inner being. My experience felt clear and real, just as real as the world outside us habitually feels to us.
My altered state creeped on me gradually. First my chest was flooded with an intense warmth - it felt as if my whole body shivered as if constantly hit by shock waves, but I knew intuitively that these shivers were not fear-induced, they were caused by what I can describe as "entities". I perceived them as some kind of shadows or a subtle "presence". They flowed towards me in order to reassure me that I was not alone and had never been alone.
My chest was throbbing; in my heart I felt and heard an ocean of voices, an orchestra of other hearts, those of people who gathered very close to me, in their pulsating, spiritual form, on a totally different level than that of reality. People who I had met in my life and that now reassured me that everything was OK, that I should not worry and that I was not alone and never would be.
Those days I experienced a feeling of intense closeness and heat, a very intense warm radiation throughout my body, emanating from the abdomen. It was as if by turning my attention inside I wasn't just able to perceive myself (something which was familiar to me already then) but also (and this had a beginning but not an end) something more, some kind of inner filling, like a fluid or an inner light which would eventually permeate my very bones, wrapping itself around my being and replenishing it.
Ever since I was filled by this "something", I physically feel as if I am connected to a higher "Whole", through which it is possible to perceive other people and their radiations, given that they necessarily emit information through their energetic bodies. And this without having to speak, because all human beings are in contact with each other in that dimension, regardless of whether they have a direct access to such dimension or not. This is how I feel nowadays, as a consequence of what I experienced then.
A friend recommended I should read "The Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield, and in that book I found a confirmation of my experience.
As my attention to my inner life intensified (for the duration of about four days) and the entire focus of my awareness was on myself, I started delving into an energetic network in which I found myself entangled with my own body and its energy. I sensed a network, a sea of energy, that connects us all.
There were both positive and negative connections, looking like fine wires, Most of them were linked by a bright, warm, soft energy - I could feel a huge field made by these connections between individuals. But there were also negative energies, you could say "negative veins", "bad" links in this energetic field. In this field made up of light-coloured wires, some intersections had become dark, black in colour and had started to expand and grow.
My explanation for these dark knots in an otherwise light-coloured see of bright positive energy and close emotional connections between individuals was that this was due to patterns of behaviour becoming rigid. No longer positive, sharing and optimistic, they had distanced themselves from the Good and were only driven by selfish ambition and greed, no longer believing in the pursuit of common good beyond the interests of the individual ego.
I began to feel inside of me the beating of the hearts of all those who had ever liked me. It was as if these people were thinking of me again and through their thoughts were sending me warmth, compassion and sympathy, thus showing to me that I was loved and that I would be loved, although at that time I certainly did not feel part of a community, of "a pack" which wanted me to be with them. I started to talk to these hearts about the ways in which we had met, about the things that perhaps we should have told each other when we parted, about those cases in which our contact had come to and end and I'd hurt others with my behaviour or felt hurt by them. It was an incredible relief to be able to say things that I felt I needed to get off my chest. I let myself go and forbid myself to think whether what I was experiencing was "real".
First I felt the actual presence of individual other hearts and voices whose attention was focused on me: a whole ensemble of care and consideration - they assured me that I belonged to them, and that I was loved. Then this huge white field of interconnections between people appeared, which I not only sensed physically but was also able to see. The energy between the individual hearts strengthened the connections between them and bonded everyone with each other, integrating each and everyone.
Gradually a second big heart started forming inside of me, a heart which was beating with his own peculiar, much more intense rhythm and was not the biological heart of another specific individual but rather a big shared heart, towards which the energies of the various individual hearts flowed.
I had the impression that the dark patterns and connections affecting people can be dissolved when insight shakes them deeply. This thought dissolved the dark patterns. At the same time I received positive energy from the other individual hearts that I felt inside of me. This influx of positivity merged with my own energy to form a big, hot pool of positive energy (love). However, the dark patterns continued to reappear, due to denial and selfishness.
Initially I pushed against this wall of dark knots and patterns with my positive energy, drawing it from my deepest emotions. It felt somehow like being in labour, perhaps? I pushed forcefully against the dark areas with a " YES!". From this struggle I obtained more and more positive energy, because pressing with my positive energy against this negative energetic wall resulted in others receiving warmth, and they reciprocated by sending their positive energy back to me.
Through this connection between the light-coloured energies my body temperature and loving feelings increased. At the end the warm light inside of me was so strong that everything melted in a huge see of positive emotions. What I am left with, following the eventual end of this experience, is a warming inner energy, some kind of hot energy field, that radiates inside of me and makes me feel warm and protected.
Those were such intense days that I did not eat anything and, covered in sweat, just kept being engaged in this fight between good and evil. The highlight of this experience came almost at the end of it: I was lying awake at 5.30 am and a dark shape came towards me. Even now as I write this I get shivers down my spine. I thought "I can see him" and "he can see me". It was the Grim Reaper in his classic black coat with a hood. He came towards me, grabbed me and pulled me
With an irresistible force away from this positive field of love, goodness and compassion. My first thought was "oh no, not the Grim Reaper! Not yet". I tried to oppose resistance but I did not stand a chance: I felt how forcefully he was dragging me away and realised I was hopeless.
Then I lost my senses for a short while. It all went black and I thought "Am I dead?" and something told me "yes", but then I was back in that strange waking state in which I had been for days, and realised I was not dead yet. In the moment in which I was "dead" the whole of reality had been erased, but there had still been something in me which had "persisted". I was aware of being dead but despite this something was still there, something which knew that death no longer had any power over me, although I had to die.
I still often feel a warm feeling in the body, brought about by a flow of heat. This inner feeling of being loved, this warmth which radiates from inside of me was never there before! I believe that I have come to the realisation that I am not and never was alone - even though I am alone.