I am a recovered drug and sex addict. I will try to make this as concise as possible, without leaving anything vital out. It was in April last year when, out of desperation, I attended a 12 step retreat. My life had become a broken, futile endeavor. Jobless, dependent on family -- I was powerless over drugs and paying for sex.
I began my 12 step process, not thinking that any power was listening as I prayed. My first step was an easy one -- my life was clearly unmanageable. In my second step, although I had not come to believe in a higher power, I became willing to believe that something out there could restore me to sanity. It was like a dry-run with God.
To the point -- I took a third step (no white light experience or anything), and I began a fearless and searching moral inventory. I wrote all the resentments, fears, and selfish sexual conduct that I could recall. Then I wrote what I thought my part in each instance was.
I read it to someone, and felt strangely lighter. There was a new freedom - but it was only a tease of what was to come.
I made several amends trips from this facility -- my first amends trip was a near-disaster; I paid for sex in downtown Boston. I had never met the young woman before. This is where is gets miraculous...
This young woman showed up at this retreat (a few hundred miles from Boston), a place few people had ever heard of! Imagine my discomfort, confusion, and sense of awe!
She comes to play again later in my story... I made several more amends trips from said facility, and arrived in a northern New England city where I am currently living in a sober environment.
I soon realized - and we are drawing close to the second miracle of my 12 step experience, the first I just described - that I was still obsessed with sex and drugs. My prayers were constant, then I received - some 5 days after I arrived here - a phone call from the next man on my amends list.
Desperate, horrified, and in full obsession, I left to make amends to that man the next day. The encounter was fairly nondescript; I was so desperate that, for the first time, I disclosed the nature of my sexual obsession with someone in my family. That was not something I would ever do, save for pain I was in. My poor mother listened as I told her how disgusted I was with myself.
On the way back to my sober living situation, it felt like I was hyperventilating... I arrived back here, and, in short order, I realized that EVERYTHING WAS DIFFERENT! It was as though my mind was on a higher plane; there was a peacefulness and gentle touch to all that was in and out of me. NO OBSESSION!
I've had my ups and downs since then, but obsession - for anything - is no longer part of my life. Here's the kicker...
That woman I met way back on my first amends trip just moved up here! I am - through prayer - struggling to know if I owe her an amends - I still don't know if she remembers our first encounter. The amends itself could bring her great embarrassment.
The age of miracles is not dead! I have goose-bumps as I write this...
God Bless You!
Open to being contacted -- myauntmaria [at] aol [dot] com
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