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Real Spiritual Experiences

A Messenger Once Told Me


First a little background information to help bring greater meaning to the story you are about to read. I was born a child of extremes! Fire was an early fascination, so too was love as well as exploration. I got pounded over and over by those who wished to mold me into what I was not, and I pounded back. It was not an easy life. Love was always met with betrayal, this was not how it is suppose to be! I felt as though my heart and my head were on fire. Perhaps that is why I liked starting everything else on fire too.

Pause and reflect on your childhood memories, painful and joyful.

After a High School flame betrayed me and aborted our children, I began to seek inward; only after facing suicide... twice! I did not want to live in a world without love. I was crushed but not defeated. I sought to understand what no one around seemed to understand. Something deep inside called to me. I spent a couple years looking but quit after being laughed at and mocked. Later I would return but first I would build a life and then watch it come completely undone! I had the career, a wife, two great kids, the house, new car and motorcycle; I even had a white picket fence. It was all stripped away. I was only able to maintain the relationship with my two children, for that I am most thankful.

Shortly after getting divorced my son said to me, "Mommy says you don't believe in God". I replied "I believe and think my beliefs are closer to being accurate then your mothers, but I do not KNOW God." I began to look for those who did and study once more what I set down a long time ago. This time was different though. I promised myself to fulfill what I read in the Gospel of Thomas: "Seek and you shall find, but keep seeking until you find." For the next three years that is what I used ALL my time for. When I was not studying, I was contemplating and dreaming about God.

Two years and two months into my search, I was injured at work. My tailbone started on fire! I could not sit for 4 months. I began to walk, that was 20, 000 miles ago. I have nearly walked the length around the planet Earth. I once wondered have the Native Americans could walk from Canada to Mexico and back every year; now I know how!

The pain continued 24/7 for ten months and then...

Things got worse! I was trying to drown the pain and keep from getting addicted to narcotic pain pills at the same time. I would deal with as much pain as I could tolerate and then take extra pain pills when I wanted to forget the pain. I refused to give up the life events I enjoyed. One day a friend called and said "Lets go golfing!" Like a fool I answered "Sure!", not thinking about the incompatibility of a back injury and a day of golf.

I took some prescription Nsaids, some prescription pain pills, some extra pain pills and a couple glasses of red wine. I sat down and lit a cigarette. Three puffs later I felt faint. I went to the bathroom and vomited the contents of my stomach. I felt unusual to say the least. I was suddenly quite weak. I canceled the golf plans and returned home. My kids were coming the next day and I did not want to ruin there weekend, so I pretended nothing was wrong.

Something was wrong though! I could not go up or down a flight of stairs without having to stop and rest. My heart was pounding twice its normal rate, 140 BPM. This went on for three days. I realized I would not last one more night, I was going to die. I looked in the mirror and noticed I was yellow. I pondered...Liver? NO! The salty taste in the vomit... Was blood! I have no blood! I went to a local clinic and my suspicion was confirmed, I had lost 60% of my blood. The doctor said "You need a transfusion, do you want us to call an ambulance?" I said "No, I have a ride." I returned home to ponder this, I did not want to go to the hospital.

At home I looked at my son and said "I don't think I am going to Awaken tomorrow. I have done my best in life, I am content to pass. Yet, I have little blood flowing to this brain and perhaps am not thinking clearly. If you want me to go, I will go." My son said "I want you to go dad." I went to the hospital.

There, I was shown new ways of inflicting pain on the ill! They started a potassium drip, it should be called "Liquid Fire". It started my veins on fire, my arm felt is if it were in the middle of a raging campfire, this lasted the entire night.

In the morning I was taken for an endoscopy and told a doctor would be in later to discuss the results. I was put under for the endoscopy and when I awoke I was back in my room.

A doctor walked in and said "THERE ARE A FEW THINGS IN YOUR LIFE YOU NEED TO CHANGE!" I was puzzled and defensive, I replied "I already did, I quite the Nsaids and the cigarettes." The doctor said "I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT! I AM TALKING ABOUT THE COCAINE!" That pissed me off, as I was not taking cocaine and seemed to be under a false attack for no apparent reason. I said "You are in the wrong room." The doctor replied "I AM IN THE RIGHT ROOM!" I said "You got the wrong guy in the wrong room." The doctor said "I HAVE THE RIGHT GUY AND THE RIGHT ROOM!" I said "You want the guy next door you are looking at the wrong chart!" The doctor replied "THE TESTS DON'T LIE."

I denied him one last time "You are in the wrong room." The doctor turned and began to walk out of the room. Before he left I said "I did take some pain pills, is that what you are talking about?" The doctor smiled and nodded his head affirmative.

I was puzzled by what just occurred and paranoid thoughts began to fill my mind. Did the hospital mix up my tests will someone else's? Are the police coming? What the hell is going on here!?

I checked the window as I thought about sneaking away. The window was 4 inches thick! What the hell? Is this a hospital or a prison!? Others must have gone out these windows or they would not be so thick!

I was uneasy the rest of the day. I was exhausted as I had little blood and had no sleep for 48 hours and only 4-5 hours sleep in the last 4 days. I was supposed to stay another night but could not take it any longer. I called a nurse in and said "Unless you have a legal reason to hold me against my will, I am checking out now!" She asked why and I shared the story of the doctor accusing me of using cocaine. The nurse left and said she would be right back. She came back with my records and said "What doctor? No doctor came to see you today." Puzzled I replied "What about the doctor who came to discuss the endoscopy results?" The nurse looked at the records and said "Your endoscopy turned out fine, there was no need for a doctor to see you." I was puzzled but signed out and left.

Anger began to boil over the next two days. It boiled into rage! I have never been so fuming mad in all my life. I spent three years seeking God and what did I get for it? I was on fire. I was moments from death and got nothing, not even a near death experience, nothing nadda, God was a no show! I screamed to my Maker "What the hell is this! What kind of reward is this for seeking you!?" Where are you! Why did this happen?! I looked for three years, I gave you everything I had to give and this is what I get in return!? I am glad I am on your side, I can not imagine what you give those who are opposed to YOU!"

Then... It got even worse! Every painful life experience was put into my conscious awareness and felt in its extreme pain. I was not spared a single betrayal, not one! Then all my betrayals of others came to the surface too! My heart was pounding, it could not take this. I was going to have a heart attack and I knew it too.

Then... I changed my mind. I do not know how. I just began to FORGIVE everyone including me. I cried in pain. I let it all go. Then I paused. All thought stopped. Everything came to a standstill. I expressed all which was buried within, there was nothing left to say.

Out of the nothingness, a soft still voice within was heard. It said "That was not a doctor... It was a Messenger."


What? I laughed! I called out "Oh, good one GOD! You got me! You are hilarious! Very funny, you are now killing me with laughter!" I could not believe it, yet I knew it was True! I never would have known unless I was told. You can never know if you are in the presence of Angels unless you are told.

I was still in back pain and wanted to take two pain pills and call it a night. I looked at the pills and thought about the message and the messenger. I flushed all the pills down the toilet and went to sleep in pain.

The next morning was different. The pain was gone! A humming sound was filling my head. I did not understand but I was Euphoric and healed!

There is a deep secret contained in this story. Can you feel it?

Here it is:

1) Accept the dark inside you.

2) Forgive all that has ever happened, others and Self.

3) Trust in a Higher Power, and ask to be shown!

4) Feel the intensity of the inner pain without running from it!

5) Express it! Express your rage and the pain, then allow it to pass.

6) Correct what you can correct.

7) Allow a blessing into your own consciousness

God Bless All who come upon this... And all those who do not!

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Comments about this spiritual experience

The following comments are submitted by users of this site and are not official positions by Please read our guidelines and the previous posts before posting. The author, Sparrowhawk, has the following expectation about your feedback: I will read the comments and participate in the discussion.

Amie (guest)
3 weeks ago (2024-02-09)
In March 2010 you commented in one of Dr. Wayne Dyer's blogs and told us to what to type to find you... I don't know why I typed it, but here I am. Thank you for sharing your personal story of how you found God. Sometimes we get messengers/angels in our lives and do not even know it. I hope you are living a great life now, to the fullest, how God intended it for you to live it. I found God this year, the God within me. I am now awake and trying to serve others. I believe I am supposed to be a healer: healer of the mind, soul, spirit. I haven't told anyone this...

May the divine love and light of God be always with you!
Spydro (6 posts)
14 years ago (2010-08-11)
i have also came to a conclusion that all my stress and worries when they get to the point I feel like lashing out and say f it or forget it I have great emotion running through of anger or resent for my sitiuation
But what's important I noticed is everytime I do seem to give up on my spiriual journey (which I never do) I let all that anger out and I noticed afterwards I am revealed more truth more love from the same person I thought was neglecting I still don't get it all the way but I rest happy knowing that I am not being heard or listened its only my faith what holds bak blessings
"gotta believe to acheive" Spydro
Sparrowhawk (1 stories) (4 posts)
14 years ago (2010-07-16)
Thank-you both for sharing!

I was given a reprieve/healing which lasted for 15 months...

Then a cross of pain was put on my back! It has been there for nearly 6 years. It has taught me much... A great deal about Compassion! It kicked my Intuition into High Gear, I know things and don't even know I know them at first, like having a new Mind.
Now I know what is meant by "I will give you new eyes to see with, new ears to hear."

The cross is a torture instrument and also a Divine instrument!

I have been throw into a fire so that the false would be burnt away. There was a lot of false stuff to burn! Lol~
TheProtector (1 posts)
14 years ago (2010-07-14)
I don't know were to start I feel like your my brother I never met your past child hood was just like mine I need to tell you some thing you have been put through test after test just like I was each test is done by one of the lord big budies I'm not alound to say names here but you can find a few in the bible... The protector the test to see how stronge mindid you are an if you are fit to protect your self among others, The lover to see if you have the heart you need to fight for humanidy, The reaper to see how you handle anger an death, the redeimer to see how you handle forgiving your slef and others... For me it started from playing the ojie bored and the last day I did our holy father came to me and made it rain over just my house to purify the board then he made a cross over and over. Finaly he spelled out YOU ARE Choosen and that were it alll started for me and ever sence I have been run through so meny test and even had to face three demon OG the demon of greed and lust, Christine a demon of lie and lust which turnd out she was my soul mate in the past and finaly my family demon who was the toughest his name was ZAG. In the end I won with the lord on my side but I can say some thing big is comin and they said you know it to the lord pities humanidy and wants to whipe the slate clean to start over again and he will turn the weak minded against the stronge. One of the angels I talk to just said that your time is now so prepare your self...
Adaryn7 (23 posts)
14 years ago (2010-07-09)
That was a riveting read Sparrowhawk, thankyou for posting. During difficult times in our lives, we all can't help but ask "why me, God?" But later we realise how we learn and grow from these experiences. At the time we don't see it, but when I honesty think about it, I have learnt far more lessons from the difficult things in my life that have happened, than from anything else. Sometimes it takes months or even years to reailse the significance of an event, but once you do, there is no turning back.

I also believe that forgiveness is that way--forgiveness not only for the ways in which others have wronged you, but forgiveness for oneself. I find that I have been more ready to forgive others their mistakes, than I have been my own. But at the end of the day, what is the difference? We are all one, and should have one standard for everyone; even murderers love their friends, it is said, but true love and forgiveness is that which is directed towards all beings unconditionally.

Sparrowhawk (1 stories) (4 posts)
14 years ago (2010-07-06)
I have been put through the ringer quite more then most!

I use to joke: God lifts me up so He can smash me into the ground!

It gets deeper as we grow closer. I am in the ringer one last time, but I understand it now. The last resistances are burning up. They need to burn up. Soon it will be done.

Yes, you may call me that. We are all that, though we are slow to Realize it.
Mihoo (3 stories) (9 posts)
14 years ago (2010-07-05)
Sparrowhawk, you've really been "put through the wringer" haven't you? But, thank God you've gotten to know Him. I had a pretty messed up life from about 1963 to 1982, but that's when I told God that I just couldn't 'take it' anymore; that I was weak, and would always and forever need His help. Might I say to you "hello, brother in Christ"?

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