First a little background information to help bring greater meaning to the story you are about to read. I was born a child of extremes! Fire was an early fascination, so too was love as well as exploration. I got pounded over and over by those who wished to mold me into what I was not, and I pounded back. It was not an easy life. Love was always met with betrayal, this was not how it is suppose to be! I felt as though my heart and my head were on fire. Perhaps that is why I liked starting everything else on fire too.
Pause and reflect on your childhood memories, painful and joyful.
After a High School flame betrayed me and aborted our children, I began to seek inward; only after facing suicide... twice! I did not want to live in a world without love. I was crushed but not defeated. I sought to understand what no one around seemed to understand. Something deep inside called to me. I spent a couple years looking but quit after being laughed at and mocked. Later I would return but first I would build a life and then watch it come completely undone! I had the career, a wife, two great kids, the house, new car and motorcycle; I even had a white picket fence. It was all stripped away. I was only able to maintain the relationship with my two children, for that I am most thankful.
Shortly after getting divorced my son said to me, "Mommy says you don't believe in God". I replied "I believe and think my beliefs are closer to being accurate then your mothers, but I do not KNOW God." I began to look for those who did and study once more what I set down a long time ago. This time was different though. I promised myself to fulfill what I read in the Gospel of Thomas: "Seek and you shall find, but keep seeking until you find." For the next three years that is what I used ALL my time for. When I was not studying, I was contemplating and dreaming about God.
Two years and two months into my search, I was injured at work. My tailbone started on fire! I could not sit for 4 months. I began to walk, that was 20, 000 miles ago. I have nearly walked the length around the planet Earth. I once wondered have the Native Americans could walk from Canada to Mexico and back every year; now I know how!
The pain continued 24/7 for ten months and then...
Things got worse! I was trying to drown the pain and keep from getting addicted to narcotic pain pills at the same time. I would deal with as much pain as I could tolerate and then take extra pain pills when I wanted to forget the pain. I refused to give up the life events I enjoyed. One day a friend called and said "Lets go golfing!" Like a fool I answered "Sure!", not thinking about the incompatibility of a back injury and a day of golf.
I took some prescription Nsaids, some prescription pain pills, some extra pain pills and a couple glasses of red wine. I sat down and lit a cigarette. Three puffs later I felt faint. I went to the bathroom and vomited the contents of my stomach. I felt unusual to say the least. I was suddenly quite weak. I canceled the golf plans and returned home. My kids were coming the next day and I did not want to ruin there weekend, so I pretended nothing was wrong.
Something was wrong though! I could not go up or down a flight of stairs without having to stop and rest. My heart was pounding twice its normal rate, 140 BPM. This went on for three days. I realized I would not last one more night, I was going to die. I looked in the mirror and noticed I was yellow. I pondered...Liver? NO! The salty taste in the vomit... Was blood! I have no blood! I went to a local clinic and my suspicion was confirmed, I had lost 60% of my blood. The doctor said "You need a transfusion, do you want us to call an ambulance?" I said "No, I have a ride." I returned home to ponder this, I did not want to go to the hospital.
At home I looked at my son and said "I don't think I am going to Awaken tomorrow. I have done my best in life, I am content to pass. Yet, I have little blood flowing to this brain and perhaps am not thinking clearly. If you want me to go, I will go." My son said "I want you to go dad." I went to the hospital.
There, I was shown new ways of inflicting pain on the ill! They started a potassium drip, it should be called "Liquid Fire". It started my veins on fire, my arm felt is if it were in the middle of a raging campfire, this lasted the entire night.
In the morning I was taken for an endoscopy and told a doctor would be in later to discuss the results. I was put under for the endoscopy and when I awoke I was back in my room.
A doctor walked in and said "THERE ARE A FEW THINGS IN YOUR LIFE YOU NEED TO CHANGE!" I was puzzled and defensive, I replied "I already did, I quite the Nsaids and the cigarettes." The doctor said "I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT! I AM TALKING ABOUT THE COCAINE!" That pissed me off, as I was not taking cocaine and seemed to be under a false attack for no apparent reason. I said "You are in the wrong room." The doctor replied "I AM IN THE RIGHT ROOM!" I said "You got the wrong guy in the wrong room." The doctor said "I HAVE THE RIGHT GUY AND THE RIGHT ROOM!" I said "You want the guy next door you are looking at the wrong chart!" The doctor replied "THE TESTS DON'T LIE."
I denied him one last time "You are in the wrong room." The doctor turned and began to walk out of the room. Before he left I said "I did take some pain pills, is that what you are talking about?" The doctor smiled and nodded his head affirmative.
I was puzzled by what just occurred and paranoid thoughts began to fill my mind. Did the hospital mix up my tests will someone else's? Are the police coming? What the hell is going on here!?
I checked the window as I thought about sneaking away. The window was 4 inches thick! What the hell? Is this a hospital or a prison!? Others must have gone out these windows or they would not be so thick!
I was uneasy the rest of the day. I was exhausted as I had little blood and had no sleep for 48 hours and only 4-5 hours sleep in the last 4 days. I was supposed to stay another night but could not take it any longer. I called a nurse in and said "Unless you have a legal reason to hold me against my will, I am checking out now!" She asked why and I shared the story of the doctor accusing me of using cocaine. The nurse left and said she would be right back. She came back with my records and said "What doctor? No doctor came to see you today." Puzzled I replied "What about the doctor who came to discuss the endoscopy results?" The nurse looked at the records and said "Your endoscopy turned out fine, there was no need for a doctor to see you." I was puzzled but signed out and left.
Anger began to boil over the next two days. It boiled into rage! I have never been so fuming mad in all my life. I spent three years seeking God and what did I get for it? I was on fire. I was moments from death and got nothing, not even a near death experience, nothing nadda, God was a no show! I screamed to my Maker "What the hell is this! What kind of reward is this for seeking you!?" Where are you! Why did this happen?! I looked for three years, I gave you everything I had to give and this is what I get in return!? I am glad I am on your side, I can not imagine what you give those who are opposed to YOU!"
Then... It got even worse! Every painful life experience was put into my conscious awareness and felt in its extreme pain. I was not spared a single betrayal, not one! Then all my betrayals of others came to the surface too! My heart was pounding, it could not take this. I was going to have a heart attack and I knew it too.
Then... I changed my mind. I do not know how. I just began to FORGIVE everyone including me. I cried in pain. I let it all go. Then I paused. All thought stopped. Everything came to a standstill. I expressed all which was buried within, there was nothing left to say.
Out of the nothingness, a soft still voice within was heard. It said "That was not a doctor... It was a Messenger."
What? I laughed! I called out "Oh, good one GOD! You got me! You are hilarious! Very funny, you are now killing me with laughter!" I could not believe it, yet I knew it was True! I never would have known unless I was told. You can never know if you are in the presence of Angels unless you are told.
I was still in back pain and wanted to take two pain pills and call it a night. I looked at the pills and thought about the message and the messenger. I flushed all the pills down the toilet and went to sleep in pain.
The next morning was different. The pain was gone! A humming sound was filling my head. I did not understand but I was Euphoric and healed!
There is a deep secret contained in this story. Can you feel it?
Here it is:
1) Accept the dark inside you.
2) Forgive all that has ever happened, others and Self.
3) Trust in a Higher Power, and ask to be shown!
4) Feel the intensity of the inner pain without running from it!
5) Express it! Express your rage and the pain, then allow it to pass.
6) Correct what you can correct.
7) Allow a blessing into your own consciousness
God Bless All who come upon this... And all those who do not!