On Friday my car was hit by another car. This car was speeding when it hit me in an intersection, I was turning into a shopping center. The car that hit me sent my car into the back of the car in front of me so my side door hit the bumper of the car in front of me. I was in the clear and this car hit me so fast I didn't know what happened. I held on to the steering wheel in shock I looked at my passenger to see if he was ok he was fine then I checked myself and I got out of the car to see if everyone else was ok.
I was in shock for the rest of the day that night I went to sleep with the accident on my mind. The entire night it was like the accident was a movie in my head I could not turn off. I wanted peace. My mom asked me if I wanted to go to church with her for a women's breakfast they were having. So I asked myself why not. So I got dressed and I went. That day they were teaching about identity and personality. The differences and the pastor said to let god into your life and see all the wonderful things he has planned for you. Get your identity from GOD!
I went home thinking about it. I had become pretty nihilistic. I just recently moved back to VA from NYC and I have been through some stuff.
I asked myself could it hurt? How am I benefiting from thinking I am in control all the time? I am not. I tend to have a short fuse but I hold it in with most people but most things that people do affect me deeply. I think of things intrinsically when people do wrong or say something hurtful as I myself tend to be very empathetic. I try not to offend people but I suppose I do when I am offended. I just don't want to be that person anymore. It was not working my way.
My mothers friend invited me to church on Sunday. That morning I felt tired I had a headache. When my mom called me to ask if I was coming, I was like NO! I am tired my head hurts blah blah blah. Then something got me up out of bed made me yell down to her I am coming. So I got ready as quickly as possible and made it to church on time. We had to attend bible study that morning where they taught us about Stephen. How he was willing to die for the word. How Saul knowing he was right in what he was saying persecuted him anyway. Sound familiar. I spoke to the reverend telling him how I had dreams of deliverance all the time so I know there is a god because when I speak Jesus name with authority they stop. I told him I am sometimes afraid of being this holy person it seems like a lot to me. He told me to let go and let God. He told me to pray with an open mind and an open heart. That day I was filled with the holy ghost! I felt the ground move beneath me I threw my hands in the air and I thanked him because I was Alive. I could have died on Friday or been in the hospital but I was Alive and well!
I praised him until I couldn't stand anymore. In the past I would have worried that everyone was seeing me so vulnerable. I didn't care I threw my hands up my eyes were closed and it was me and him. I felt cleansed I didn't feel so miserable! I laid on the floor weeping for an hour I spoke in tongues. I even had prophecies that day. Tears are running down my face now. That was not me I was filled with the holy spirit after that happens how can you deny him. Believe me no one has doubted more than me. After you experience what I felt I spoke in tongues?! I used to think people who spoke in tongues were crazy.
I was called to the front of the church by the bishop he said I was called to be a pastor. At first I was like oh no you don't. Then a voice said to me receive it. It felt like when your grandmother tells you something and you try to act like you don't hear her and she is like I know you heard me go up there now before I get the switch! So I walked myself to the front where he called some more young people up. This woman came up and she was filled with the holy spirit it hit me so hard I couldn't stand. I grabbed the young man's hand next to me and just kept talking in tongues and every now and then it would tell me what to tell him.
Then it led me to hold this young lady's hand, and I felt this overwhelming strength it made me hug her and hold her so tight. As if to show the love that God has for her and he was telling me to tell her it is hot you don't want to be hot. Over and over again she broke down in tears in front of the church and held on to me so tight as if she was holding on for her life. Oh my the tears are coming again. He is worthy!
Right after church I was like how am I going to pick up and just stop sinning from today to tomorrow. In my head I want to do everything cold turkey so I asked the reverend. He said take it one day at a time and pray. Ask the lord to help you. We are all human and it takes alot. Just like you stood up there and confronted your fear continue to do that daily. If you fall get back up and keep trying. His plan for you is great. The Bishop thanked me for coming to church that day and asked that I be a part of his congregation so I'll be back on Sunday. Hoping for a transformation and for my identity in Christ. My way wasn't working so I am trying the Lord's way!