I was hoping for some input since my mind has been extremely confused since the last experience I had. Its like everything I know has been shaken. Its a bit of a long story but I will try to keep it brief. Over the past 5 years of my life I have been learning to answer the call of a prophet on my life. I have been learning to follow god starting in the church then being discipled by men. Which led me into a place with god where I have learned to trust and fellowship with him and experience him in just about every moment.
I have spent the past five years of my life surrendering and giving up my life to revolve around walking in truth of the gospel of Christ and most importantly in his tangible presence, and it has connected me with a higher being which I have called the Jewish god Yahweh. In his presence is truth love peace and joy. He teaches me himself now and I walk with him to a point I really have no need for church unless I want to go to experience a greater amount of his presence. But to be honest with you I've found most churches don't have much to offer me. I am not trying to be proud and egotistical I'm just trying to paint a picture of where I am so that what I'm about to tell you, you will have a better understanding of where I am coming from.
Basically I have been a Christian who hates the term Christian because it identifies me with a culture more than a true reality. I have never been one for religion or holding onto a set doctrine of "this is the way it is". I am big on the belief that no man can hold the truth and we are to know nothing except what God is saying when he is saying how he is saying it. I have had many experiences with god that I have built my life and belief system around over the past few years in many ways shapes and forms, but never has my mind had an enlightening experience like the one I had last week. It shook my beliefs to the core and challenged everything I know to be real. Now its like starting all over again.
I have come seeking objective unbiased opinions concerning what is being revealed to me. Since I know most people are unwilling to let go of there beliefs in order to find truth. And most without even realizing it are only searching and studying in order to validate what they already believe or want to believe.
God has been revealing to me shortly before my experience some things I want to share, not to teach, but to give an idea where my mind was at when the experience took place. Things like christianity can only take you so far because its just a religion like anything else and it offers a certain amount of freedom to a point but is capped. Basically in order to move further I would have to remove my box of god. Basically it was all to cultivate faith. We can access the true existence of god by faith and Christianity gives you the faith to do it. And things like through the lenses of Christianity is how we interpret Jesus in the bible but that was never intended. Jesus preached on the kingdom of god, which by the way is anthropomorphic for our understanding. So as you see any box I had god in is starting to be removed.
While thinking about this one day I was asking god how yeshua or jesus fit into all this and he told me he used him to accomplish some things in the earth (because man has authority in this realm) and then he made him lord and master over all things. While my spirit was doing somersaults I began to think about beliefs and how what we believe creates our reality (actually makes things real to us.) Then I began think about how if I have had a bad experience in my life that formed a belief everybody was out to get me, then my reality would actually be everyone was out to get me. It would be truth to me and it would actually happen at least in my eyes. Then I opened up very objectively to think out side of the box. And this was my thought..."what if God is only real and my experiences with him are only real because I believe that it is?"
At this point my mind opened up in a way its never been, my brain was firing and it was like a trillion light bulbs were going off at the same time, everything began to make sense and nothing seemed real not the chair I was on not the sky not the trees... Nothing! I began to see flashes of light in the sky like camera flashes. It was like I was trapped in a bad dream but there seemed to be truth in it but I felt out of control and scared like everything I knew and every way I though something was wasn't real. My mind was on this journey of understanding that was saying there is an ultimate unexplainable essence of reality that just IS and I could never understand it. And me as human has the power to create any reality or world I wanted to with my beliefs and my mind being the tool to make it real. And that my subjective truth created reality and in my case that reality was that there was an absolute truth and god who is in control which is absolutely real but only because its a by product of my subjectivity.
Then I started to see "Oh my god I'M GOD" sound crazy right? Would make it sound like I'm in control but I'm not because my convictions from my beliefs creates a god who actually becomes in control, that would be enough to put me into balance with my destiny. In a sense it was like God is only created for mans understanding to tap into the true reality. God is an anthropomorphic term, Its like there is no god.
This is not a case of unbelief or doubt because I have had too many experiences with god to doubt him now, he has become a reality to me and I trust him. But my experience tells me this is only true and god is only real because I created him that way. The best way I can explain it is like Neo in the movie the matrix. When they pulled him out of the matrix for the first time he couldn't handle it and he started puking. That's how I felt so scared and sick and confused like a bad trip on acid. The best explanation I could come up with is that I got a gimps of reality that was so awesome and so radically different and so foreign from god or what I thought he was, it caused me to say there is no god. And therefore my reality of god was fabricated by beliefs that were semi-truth and the reality I glimpsed was so foreign I did not recognize it as god. Another words, the god I knew doesn't exist but is only a manifestation of my beliefs that enabled me to have enough faith to experience the true essence but having it leavened with my own disillusions. Not recognizing the true god but responding with there is no god!
Any insight on this will be appreciated. And there's more ways I could explain this but I will leave that for discussions. And like I said this is very brief so if you have any questions please ask I will be glad to answer them. I just ask that I please don't get any doctrine on this matter just objective thinkers or hearers. I don't believe if one truly wants the truth he can be deceived. I don't know if god was trying to reveal truth to me and my interpretation is off or what. All I know is this experience has shaken my mind to the point that my connection to the god has been suffering. Its like I'm starting all over again!