Not sure why I feel the need to write this out much less share so openly. After all, my experience happened over twelve years ago. I have shared this experience with only a few people who have been close to me or people who I thought needed words of hope where I could not find logical advice to help them in their time of need.
I was 26 years old and had been living in NYC for about a year. Having been born and raised in a small Midwest - blue-collar town, NYC was the potential opportunity to making my claim in life.
On the onset, life was good! The company I worked for put my coworkers and I up in a midtown apartment in NYC. It was like a kid living in Disneyland! I had friends/acquaintances from day one. In such a lonely city of people who long to have friendships, I was good to go. We worked hard and played hard and took the whole city by storm.
The startup business operation was slow, but that was O.K. Why? Simply stated, I met a woman who I believed to be my soul mate. As all relationships begin, I believed she could be the one. I fell hard... She did not!
After a year of living with people you work with and realizing this was unhealthy for business (we were at each others throats) on top of the fact that the girl I was dating moved on... I was lost!
I guess if you can't make it here you can't make it anywhere!
I was at an all time low. In my depression, I pushed everyone away and kept to myself. I was miserable but at the time didn't realize how down I was on life.
One day I didn't know what to do with myself. No one around to talk with and no where to go, I decided to go to church... Every day!
I was raised Catholic and although not a bible thumper, I respected its values and never found hatred or directed anger towards the church as some people recently have found.
I went to St Patrick's Cathedral, which was only a few blocks from the apartment we were living. I would walk around admiring this tranquil masterpiece in the middle of New York Cities pulsating spirit. I would go to the head of the church (behind the main alter) where I would pray with others at the shrine of Mary.
On the fourth or fifth consecutive day of going to St Patrick's, I entered one of the pews on the north side of the church. While mass was going on I knelt down and began to pray.
After I finished my initial prayers, I began to talk to God. No not one of those two way conversations that some people would certify me as psychologically "nuts" just those kind of thoughts about things we need help with or hope for in order to make ourselves and the world a better place.
At one point in this prayer/meditation, I simply said, "God, I can't do this anymore. I can't make any more decisions. I give up! I put my life in your hands."
I wish I could explain this in better detail. Over the last twelve years I've never been able to find the words to communicate the physical and mental experience, which happened after I let go.
Upon letting go, there was a bolt of energy, which began at my toes and rifled upward throughout my body. It exploded out the top of my head like a bolt of lighting. As this "energy" traveled upward it was like every cell in my body was energized. The best I can explain it was like the pins and needles one gets, but this was far from being uncomfortable. The experience lasted probably only a second or two, but after it left my body I was left with this euphoria. Almost feeling like I was floating.
Every pain, every frustration, every mental disparity I had been carrying with me, had been ripped from my being at the singular moment. As I left the church, I had a feeling of clarity, focus, and comfort. All my hate, all my anger, all my desperation was replaced with happiness, love, and sense of hope.
Within two years of this moment, my life had been given the love of my wife and a year later the first of three children. As for the work, the business turned around and all those in the initial startup have done well for themselves.
My prayers were answered!
I wonder has anyone experienced what I felt that day? I'm sure some in the medical community have some neuro/psycho/chemical thing that happened that day... Maybe so/Maybe Not! Regardless... It was amazing! Faith and hope are wonderful virtues.
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