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Panic Attack, Or Spiritual Intervention?


So I'm 26, and have been through a lot emotionally and still continue to. Back in 2011, the accumulation of stress of 20 years of life had finally taken its toll on me. I was attending college and had been intensely researching a lot of things on my own free time. I was a mad man. One of the things I looked into was concerning the question of whether there's something beyond this world. I had taken the view of the scientific atheist, and found this was a miserable viewpoint to have and wasn't very useful when it came to the pain I had undergone in recent years prior. So I thought, if there is a god, and if he has a plan like I've heard people say, then maybe everything that happens, was destined to happen. And if this were true, then maybe if I focused my attention on the world around me, I could see a pattern or a sign. Now, a week later I had gone to class on st. Patricks day, and I was waiting with the other students outside the classroom. I tuned into the conversation, and a girl pointed at me and said "look he's wearing green too!" And at this time I had no idea it was st. Patricks day, and I hadn't meant to wear this shirt. In the moment I thought maybe I unconsciously knew it was st. Patricks day. Then the conversation had gone into the classroom, and on the other side I looked and a student was checking his underwear for green and there it was. I looked away and I swear I heard him say " there is a master plan!" This creeped me out. Then the teacher had been talking about the religious significance of st. Patricks day, and there was a four leaf clover drawn on the board. I had thought maybe there is a god and all these things together was him trying to reach me. I then felt some kind of rush go through my head, and I felt a kind of smile on my face. Then what happened right after was I stood up, felt my heard pounding, and I felt very strange and bolted towards the door. This reaction happened so fast and I was on auto pilot. I thought "I'm going to die." Right when I opened the door, a woman looked at me and asked "what's wrong?" And I looked at her and said "I need a hug." And I hugged her. Then I was walking around not knowing what to do, anticipating my death and a girl from the classroom came outside and told me to sit in a chair that was conveniently in the hallway where we were. She asked " do you want me to call 911?" As she was shaking her head yes. I didn't answer and I was taking it all in. She called 911 and I headed for the door and right when I walked outside, an officer said " who's the one that's sick?" I walked past him and the ambulance came very quick. By this time I was pleading to the sky, thinking god was trying to take me away. From the moment in the classroom until this point, I did not feel a part of reality anymore. I couldn't really sense my body, or gravity, or the sun on my face, or anything. I could only see through my eyes and my body acted on its own. The ambulance people were getting their equipment together and I said "please I have a family" then the ambulance guy said "we all have families."I sat on the curb, and they had the heart monitor on me. They pricked my finger to check my glucose and I didn't even feel it. I do remember my fingers eventually tingling, probably from the way I was breathing. They asked me if I knew who the president was, I struggled a little to answer. At this moment I had pointed to the wheel of the ambulance and said " and that wheel is red!" With excitement. I had been happy because I thought there was a heaven and I was going to go there. I had stopped struggling. I took it one step further and thought the ambulance woman who asked me the question was an angel, probably because she was pretty. My teacher was outside and told me I just need to go home and rest, and I climbed into the back of the ambulance, thinking again I was going to die and they need to save me. They took me to the hospital, as they were wheeling me out the male emt had been talking to me and he told me to look at his shirt and it said "bliss" on it. I don't remember what he said to me in full detail, my mind was going a mile a minute thinking of all sorts of things- one of them being how matter and energy are equivalent and that the universe is one. Now I hadn't done much reading on eastern philosophy at this time, so this oneness of the universe was a new idea to me. And matter and energy being equal was significant to the way I felt- like things were dreamlike, how I couldn\'t sense anything physical, including my body, meant to me matter and gravity was not all there was to things. They wheeled me through the ER door, and a guy standing behind the desk said "weight?" I thought he was asking for my weight so I said excitedly "four thousand pounds!" Because I felt my weight was irrelevant because its all energy and I thought my statement was humorous. The ambulance man had told me he had a family, and I thought at this point I was talking to god and was excited to hear god himself had a family. They moved me to a hospital bed in the hallway of the ER, and my emotions had still been flip flopping as I didn't know what was really happening. There was a styrofoam cup that said on it "creation" in green. At the time I thought signs of god where everywhere in plain sight, you just had to pay attention and that this was one of them. Of course, the styrofoam cup came from the hospital's cafeteria called creation. But I laid there, still struggling, still thinking, wondering what was going to happen. I eventually fell asleep When I finally relaxed and gave it all up, and decided it was ok if I died. Now of course I survived, and I ended up being put in a psych hospital. Since then, I've had many trials dealing with my mental health- and wondering if there really is something more. I want to believe, but another part of me is scared to entertain the idea. I feel I'm crazy and I'm sure you do too, if you managed to read this far. But I thought I would share and see what others have to say.

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