I had a bone marrow transplant in July of 2007. I went from being an extremely spiritual woman, very empathetic, and always helping out when I could. I had an inner beauty and was a kind of social butterfly. I died once during the transplant, though I don't remember anything of the experience. I do however remember getting what they call riggers every morning about 4am. If you never had riggers, they are a painful contracting of all of your muscles with a high fever, anyway after going through this every morning for about 2 weeks. I finally yelled out "If your going to take me do it now, If its my choice I want to stay" Oddly enough I didn't get them after.
Its been 5 years, since I survived but my life is hell. I've lost my ability to be social. Facebook is my only real link to the outside. My gifts of being able to help people are clouded by my inability to think or respond to their feelings. I can't meditate, read tarot, channel with my crystals. I don't feel like me and I really don't like the person I have become. I feel like I am simply surviving instead of living. I almost wonder if I have taken on some of my hosts characteristics. I want to watch my kids grow up and see my grand babies.
I know a lot of people say,"when its your time" but I believe we also have a choice an "out in some cases. I took my "out" but I truly feel like like it was the wrong choice. Let me state, I am NOT suicidal. Nor am I depressive. I would how ever like to know if anyone else has felt this way?