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Walking Phoenix


In 1999 I had separated from a relationship of 7 years and although it was a right decision, it drained all my energy and I felt very empty inside, only a shell of a human being. I hated it. However, I was very interested to start a relationship with a man I had known for 5 years as a friend. He had separated from a serious relationship a few months earlier. As long as I had known him, I had always sensed warmth in him and I felt that that's exactly what I needed at that moment.

We started to date and I felt that I had found my soulmate. Every time we we cuddling I felt his warmth, but that was not all. In a way I drank his warmth like a thirsty camel and I didn't stop until I was full. This process took about 2 weeks. His energies fused to my own, his warmth was now my warmth. I was very much in love. However, this lovestory had an ugly ending and after dating for about 3 months I found out that this was just playing with my heart. I was devastated and very, very angry.

During the next 4 months I mostly lived through all my supressed feelings starting from birth. There was a lot of anger, pain, fears and anxiety which had just taken a form of neurocis, shyness and depression in my teenage years and yearly adulthood. When I lived through all these feelings I thought that the intensity of pain would kill me and in a way that's what actually happened. I'd say this was near-death-experience of a physically healthy woman.

However, the energy I had recieved from the soulmate gave me strengths to live this all throug. Of course I understood that what I experienced was something very important. As the dirt came into surface, the light started to bubble from the center of my heart. I had opened the door to my soul, to my true self and when it was released, it's energy started to fill all my body, cell by cell. At this point I started to feel stronger, I felt love and joy, although the pain was not yet gone.

In Easter 2000 I woke up fully enlightened. All the pain was gone and all I felt was love, light, energy, unity and joy. Just before waking up I had a dream where I evicted my own demons to hell and then my life-task was shown. For a day I was fully psychic.

All this happened about 13 years ago. The transformation was permanent. Also the energy I recieved from the soulmate is still there. We dated again a few years ago and he wanted to explain why he treated me in the first time the way he did. He had been deeply in love with his ex-girlfriend and he was smashed by their break-up. I think that in his state of mind he was a "leaking man", just giving off his love-energy somewhere. For my transmutation it didn't matter that he didn't love me, the main point that there was love and someone like me needed and appreciated it.

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