It was two years ago. A still, and snowy, night. This is my exact encounter of my routine, nightly prayer.
Dear Heavenly Father:
As I lay here before you. I yet again, ask, that you please forgive, my seemingly endless sins. Overwhelmed, as I experience, the sight, sounds, and feelings. As Jesus, is tortured. Beyond my selfishness. Crucified, for my sins. How ungrateful, I must sound. Trying to redeem myself. In my nightly prayers.
In my deepest soul, I know I'm forgiven. For you are, my reason of being. Humbled in your presence, sharing what I know, to be true. You were by my side, before I learned, that unconditional love, your love. Cannot come in human form. Confused, and torn. That what I believed, to be real, and true. Couldn't be seen in my life. Silently I'd observe. Only to experience, that my deepest convictions. Couldn't be seen in my physical reality. What others called love. Came with rules, conditions, and judgments. For I knew in my soul, it wasn't true. Because I had you at my side. And yes, dear lord Eventually I'd mirror, the hate I experienced.
As I lay and stare into the darkness. I pray for a crystal clear, answer. What is my destiny?. What is my purpose, here? Stillness, Silence. A gentle wash of illumination. Thank you dear lord. I feel your presence. Your peace. Your love. All my physical pain, extinguished, in your flame. I lay and bask, in the beauty. I'm enveloped in blinding white light. Announcing their presence, angels. Their beings extended heaven and earth. Unbinding my four walls. With a heavenly choir, enticing my soul. Restoring my soul, to an innocent past.
For a brief moment, I hesitated. Wondering, if what I was experiencing was death. Did I die? Only to fully embrace the moment. For all that it was.
When Stephan, my spirit guide. Took me by the hand. In a long white robe, stood a middle aged man. Through the arms of angels, I knew he was guiding me to the Great Hall of Record's. Its marble columns stand in the middle of paradise. It bustles like a college campus. Destiny is kept here. Creation was born, and not a moment lost. Up a few steps and into this vast library. Where ladders vanish into the heavens. This is your life, where all has been written. Out of the heavens. And down a ladder, I lock eyes with a petite man. Short white hair, and a long white beard. Timeless wisdom, can be seen behind crystal blue eyes. He sets down before me, an enormous book. Leather bound. Tattered and torn. This is it. My answer. Without spoken words, I was presented with four little angel babies. Two boys, about a year apart. And two twin girls. They intertwined in play. Overwhelmed in emotion. I had just given birth, and grieved their loss, instantaneously. My children. I had the chance to mother. Losing their tiny souls before birth. Flickers of my past engage me. I saw my soul in a constant panic. Searching for that unconditional love.
Then my eyes met a man. Who would be my knight in shinning armor. He would free me from the materialism of society. He was my voice, when I couldn't speak. He was my death, when I couldn't scream. He was the man of my three children. The father to none. Blinded by faith. I'd be misled. I'd withdraw, where the ugliness of my deeds, would finally shatter. When his touch wouldn't bruise. When his words became silent.
Letting go of your hand, I fell from grace. The security of my truth, collapsed. The sights of my darkest hours, flash. My sins, forever written. Tears of acceptance, wash away the stagnant denial. Sparking a light. Timeless wisdom echoed, Ashlee, Shane, and Tyler. Yes, my dear, They, are your answer. They're your destiny.
They couldn't have become, who they are without you. Without your drama, pain, or your fear, and yes, even without your abandonment. They are who they are, because of you. The choices you made, gave them an appreciation for life. To become who they are. Being with or without you. Your destiny lives in them.
Grateful. The book starts to close. "But, what is my purpose here?" You need to take back your life. Stop hiding in the dark. Stop using it as an excuse. Own yourself. All your life, you've searched, for what you know to be real and true. Someone to give you that unconditional love. Yet my dear, you have yet to give it back. Unconditionally. You understand that selfishness, and yet you live it. You are gifted with rare, and unique, abilities. You need to learn how to utilize your gifts. Stop denying them. They are real. They are who you are. Your purpose, will be your peace of mind. Found in helping others. Giving them alternatives, and resources. So they to can prosper. By owning their own truth.
You are a very special person. You will rise above all. You can't be responsible for the ignorance of others. That's already written. And not in your hand. Stand up. Surrender. Accept your Destiny. Use it as a stepping stone. Crawl out from the burdens, and control of others. Accept who you are, embrace being alone. Feel the satisfaction from the eyes of strangers, who also hide in silence. Save them. Before they too are lost, in the darkness.
Dear lord, show me a sign. So I know this wasn't a dream. In a clear, and showstopping way. Let me see a single white rose. A sign of my true path. Amen.
I arose off the couch, thinking I better write this experience down. I turned on the TV for light. Glancing up, I noticed it was on the church channel. On the desk, in a clear, and showstopping way. Sat a single, white rose.