This experience has fueled my research more and more into the Spiritual. I have been a seeker and a finder and on this particular August day I was settling in to move through a series of practices that culminated into a point where I found myself lying on the floor of my office listening to a visualization script I had written and recorded. It was filled with imagery that ignited love, joy, peace, forgiveness, appreciation, and letting go of all resistance within.
Now before I continue, a bit of a back story is to be provided to set the stage of this event. I had been seeking and experiencing many various spiritual and religious beliefs for quite some time. I had been indoctrinated in a mid-western bible belt non-denominational beliefs system. I even had attended 4+ years of formal education in a private Christian School, so I really was surrounded by this particular popularly taught version of Christianity almost 24/7 for many years of my childhood which set into my consciousness these fears of fire and brimstone and this god on a cloud ready to judge me and send me to hell unless I lived by "Gods" rule. As soon as I was able to begin finding myself in my mid teens, I rejected religion totally as a horrific belief system that spoke of an angry and very human emotional jealous God who had done some terrible things to humanity because we were so evil and far from the "path". In the name of this religion many wars and atrocities has been brought onto humanity through mans ignorance, so I rejected this beliefs systems and moved on with life.
I was a "troubled teen" that had issues with authority, especially when I was being told to do things that were absolutely stupid or non-efficient. With this attitude I found that Military life and I were not meant to be great friends, however the Army certainly did give me some reasons to realize how short life was and how quickly it could be taken away during Desert Shield/Storm. This started the little buzz of me "wondering" about life after death. As I aged I found myself in a state of massive depression several years forward. I went to the VA for PTSD counseling which started my journey as I not only was there for help, but the other part of me started wanting to learn why and why the psychologist was doing what she was and how this was supposed to help me. Fast forward about 10 years and I had consumed a tremendous amount of texts (I estimated about 10k books, videos, papers, etc) on multiple religions, psychology of the human mind, esoteric and occult texts, energy work (Reki and Qi gong), crystals, incense and oils, and some touches on metaphysics. This lead me to many various spiritual practices, such as mantras, mudras, active and passive meditations, ecstatic trance, natural means of altered consciousness, and other things such as Tarot cards and doing readings for myself and others, numerology, astrology, past life regressions, life between life regressions, and the list goes on. So for several years I had been searching for the golden thread of truth behind all these things. I could feel it was there and yet still had not found it, until that night in my office when it began.
I laid down on my office floor. Headphones on, I was already in a heightened state of mind as I had just finished writing and recording this script. It was a visualization designed to invoke multiple emotions within me and my intention was to increase them as much as possible as I went through this visualization journey I had created. It had all the elements of everything I wanted to manifest in my life. As the script played I was bawling like a baby in a heightened state of immense joy,love, appreciation, gratitude, and letting go, just floating on that cloud of pure love. Tears are streaming from my face, my body is engulfed in this experience, and then the script begins to end and I move into the piece where I go into the silence. At that point I heard a voice say "Give it to god, give it to the universe" and I felt this "allowing" as I released this emotion, this moment, and I moved into a strange state of being. I was me, I was laying on the floor, yet I was in a space that was infinite, without boundaries, and nothingness. I saw and felt as if 3rd party, while my 3rd party was in this space, I was also watching and experiencing this white ball of light that appeared at the crown of my head. At this time I was unaware of the "Central Channel", but since have researched enough that I now know the path it took. The ball of this intense white light, the brightness is hard to describe, it was intense in the ball of light, but not blinding to look at. It entered into the top of my head and went through the central channel, through the throat chakra, and right above the heart chakra it stopped and exploded. I instantly felt as if my entire body was on fire, every cell in my body burst with intense energy.
I was instantly awake. The center of my chest began to vibrate violently. I thought the center of my chest was about to explode out and bust my sternum. Eyes wide I realized I was talking and I could not shut up. Everything I had researched for 10 years came pouring into my consciousness as a cohesive and solidified string of that golden truth I had been seeking. Things began to be put together for me as I heard myself tell myself this information. I felt so much power within me I was coming out of my skin, I wanted to run, I wanted to tell the world, I was full of life, full of energy, full of this unbelievable power within me. The voice booming out of me was powerful, it scared me almost when I let it flow full force. My wife came home from shopping and I went downstairs to tell her, she said I was freaking her out and I had to leave. She didn't want to hear it, I was scaring her - so thankfully I had been positioned as living in a golf course community and it was closing time for them - so out to the golf course I went to talk to the trees. 3am I am still talking to the trees. 7 am I am still very much full of energy, but I had to get back to work. I worked from home and I knew my business partner would be calling and I had online meetings and things to do. It was the hardest thing for me to do was to participate in those calls. It took full force and concentration to answer questions and conduct meetings without letting the other part of me that wanted to ramble about life, spirituality, and how everything in the universe works. I get done with my calls and I just sat in my office talking incessantly to myself out-loud with this voice I cannot describe.
My wife said she was concerned and we should go take a walk. So we have a walking trail that also weaves through the golf course and we went on this to go walking. As we passed some people they said hello, how are you and instantly I heard myself blurt "FANTASTIC" and they also jumped off the path it was that voice. My wife said I embarrassed her and I needed to get a grip, I had no idea what was happening but that night, back on the golf course I decided to do some Qi Gong (Energy Work) and try to ground out this energy, it was freaking me out now it was so intense, coursing through every vein/meridian of mine. So I started to do Qi Gong and instead it was like throwing gas on a fire and I found myself having another "moment" when I sat down to try meditating hoping that would ground out this energy.
All of a sudden my life literally flashed before my eyes. I knew this was it, I was dying. I didn't see life in a linear timeline, I saw it as cause and effect. I saw what I had done positive and negative to all that I had come into contact with and done in my life. I saw the ripple effects of my actions, I saw cause and effect, I saw how others were influenced by my actions and how they felt because of my actions. I experienced my life from their perspectives as well as mine. I saw my life flash but in a weird kind of way as it literally was a flash. I do not think the event was more than a second, but the understanding, the awareness, the realization of all that had occurred was lingering in my mind, I sat there for hours experiencing this, understanding this, and realizing how I had created everything in my life. Though I sat for hours reflecting, the instant it washed through me I erupted into a ball of tears on the tee I was sitting on. I instantly forgave EVERYONE in my life - INSTANTLY! There was no conscious decision to decide to, it simply happened automatically after this flash, it was instant and uncontrolled. This included my ex-wife I had harbored an intense hate and even more intense anger for over my kids I had chosen not to be a part of their life because of her (only to realize it was me, not her, and I was the one lying to myself letting fear control me). In an instant, that second that my life flashed, I instantly forgave her and everyone ever in my life. I saw how they played their part perfectly and did exactly what they should have done. Without them, I would not be where I was, and I was grateful for all positive and perceived negative events in my life. I sat there sobbing weightless as if a thickness had been lifted from me which I cannot fully describe. It was all in an instant and it was powerful. I was still full of energy, still coursing with these understandings and then this happened and I am a ball of emotions trying to figure out what is happening to me. I reached out to my mother who I talk to once a year because of our religious differences and her persistence to get me to "bend my knee to Jesus and ask for forgiveness" every time we talk. She was the only person I knew that could possibly understand what was happening, but she didn't. I tried to talk it out with her, but she is still very much in the dogmatic mindset of traditional Christianity as taught in the mid-west, so I didn't get anywhere there.
Day three, I am still on the golf course at 7am walking back to my house where I know I can hole up in my office. My energy now is starting to calm down, well still quite a lot more than normal, but less than it was the previous three days. I have slept maybe 1 hour here and there and for a total of 2-4 hours somewhere in those two days. Each time I would wake with my lips moving and this information just pouring from me. The vibrating in my chest was coming to a more reasonable flutter, but still very profound. I avoided work calls, I hid in my office and I kept trying to meditate, to shut things down, this was getting crazy. I was then wondering if I was loosing my mind. Then that night I had a series of visions on my office floor of a direction I wanted to go and I saw myself doing that very thing and feeling as if this is what I came here for. This was it, this was my destiny that I desired to experience within this life. I didn't know how I was going to get there from here. I was still trying to find out what was going on with me much less be able to get to that point I desired to be. The real intensity and chain of events lasted 3 full days. It was not until about a week later than I was back to "normal" in the sense of the extreme energy levels, my voice started returning to normal and I slowly stopped chattering about life, the universe, God, cause and effect, Law of Correspondence, Law of Polarity, Law of Vibration, Law of Gender, and the list went on as it poured from me.
I went to the Kabbalist teacher I had been going to his classes. He was pretty instrumental in getting me to understand the issue I was facing when I tried to reach and focus on that space which was vibrating within my chest as it felt as if I was trying to touch the infinite and it kept throwing me back forcefully to this finite consciousness. I could feel the vastness, the immense power, the unbelievable emotion of this space, yet I could not enter it, no matter how much I tried as it literally would eject me back each time I tried to enter. I then went to my Qi Gong teacher who also practices Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) and is very proficient in multiple martial arts and energy work through TCM. He told me it sounded just like an instant 5 Element Theory practice/awakening that I had gone through. Though not common, he has heard of similar stories that used the same words to describe the feelings I also had the first night. Basically it was a cleansing of stored emotions in the body and I was so far off balance that the release of these energies jolted me into the state I was experiencing as they went full cycle in an instant as I released them.
Amazingly information began pouring into my experience almost immediately as I started trying to find answers to my experience. It was as if the information I had searched for before, I was finally in alignment with the capability to understand, so it appeared. When the student is ready the teacher will appear... And it did in so many texts I could not believe I had not found in ten years of searching, it was as if this stuff began dumping into my lap to consume. As I searched for an explanation for that night, more and more information has poured into my experience. I have awakened to many layers of truths that has astounded me since that night. I have had several more less intense in terms of physical experience goes, but as equal in conscious expansion of awareness "experiences" through meditation and visualizations. As I would have another moment of expansion, more information would come pouring in. As I would consume and gain a deeper level of awareness, more would come, and so it has been for two years. I just went through another expansion two nights ago as more information began coming together for me as I sat in amazement. I continue to be amazed by Spirit and the workings of the Universal Laws and how that pertains to playing the game of life. No longer am I a slave to the pendulum swing in many areas of my life which I have gained full conscious control of, many more I am observing and working toward changing that momentum consciously.
Its been almost 2 years to the day since this occurrence. What I thought I knew then is nothing compared to the awakening I have had progressively since. I do not know what happened to me. I have found some glimpses of experiences others may have had that would describe one or the other thing that occurred to me. However this I believe now was a unique experience I went through because this is what I was ready to receive in the way I did. Because of it, it was the catalyst to me seeking answers to that experience which actually became the reason why I found more and more texts that opened and expanded my awareness even more. I continue my spiritual journey more and more each day and highly encourage all others to do so and find the truths within themselves within to be discovered.
Thank you for taking the time to read and digest this experience of mine. If you have any relevant feedback, suggestions to possibilities of each nights occurrences, or any related information - I would be grateful for your feedback. One thing I have learned on this journey, never get too rigid in any belief as more information, experience, or manifestation can come along to challenge it and potentially trump it and next thing you know your conscious awareness has expanded yet again... As I tell many - Question everything, even why you believe what you think you believe. Question it and research it, and meditate on it, and find where you wish to categorize each bit of data you receive. You have free will to choose, to decide what you will believe - use it to your advantage!