Profile for bayareashrink

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2009-08-15
 
Spiritual Experiences from bayareashrink

My Sudden And Beautiful Spiritual Awakening on 2009-07-15

My awakening sounds very similar to many of yours. It was a early spring day in 1998. I was 23 years old and in graduate school studying for my Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. I was driving home from seeing a client one day and my life changed forever. I do not talk much about this and only a few ...

Last 20 posts from bayareashrink
Thank you everyone-- I am so happy my story has been an inspiration.

And yes Selena... I should talk about it more. It is wonderful to reflect back and remember (as well as see the journey more fully).

Wayne, to answer your questions--- no, I have not had the same "peak experience" again, or anything close to it really. It was other-worldy. I don't expect that gift again. And what did my experience change? Everything (literally).

The way I have come to understand the experience now (11 years later) is as a gift of self awareness that I was given, a window into my soul that showed me that I needed to grow and truly discover who I am. As I mentioned, I was 23 years and in my 2nd year of grad school. I was recently out of a heart breaking, whirlwind, intense International love affair where for the 1st time in my life I was ready to "give up everything" for love, for a man. This was something that was absolutely unheard of in my world-- I was supposed to be a doctor, I was young, independent, strong, intelligent, in a prestigious graduate school. Never would I ever had given up my dreams to move to another country for a man! Impossible. But he rocked me to my core--- it was a love that I could not explain away with logic (as I usually did).

Before this man I was the girl who was always in control, always the more dominant one in a relationship (dominant to the point of overly powerful) and I would invariably lose respect for the men I was with. I was a Type A, "take 'em and leave 'em" girl to the core-- strong, sexy, intelligent, self assured, powerful, desired, etc. My awakening woke me up--- I was literally humbled. I remember a vision of sorts I had during it. It was of a large breasted woman with her arms stretched out to me, motioning for me to come to her breast and lay against her. I immediately knew she was Mother Earth and there was a feeling of needing to join her, feel her, connect with this very real, very pure, very motherly and feminine archetype. I was SO FAR from that type of woman. I was thin (never voluptuous), hyper-masculinized and always hung my hat proudly of my ability to go "toe to toe" with men-- wether it was in class, at work, in bed, in debates, you name it. I believe the gift of my spiritual awakening was meant to show me that I didn't have to hide behind that armor any longer. I no longer needed to protect myself from my vulnerability. It humbled me, literally threw me down on my knees in front of the Universe and introduced me to my "shadow" self-- the part of my feminine nature that I was completely unaware of-- the soft, receptive, nurturing, intuitive, and compassionate side. The side that didn't need to use my body or my brains for male attention and identity.

It was (to say the least) awe inspiring. But I didn't have this full understanding of it for many years and I did go through a depression for about 2 years following this experience-- a depression I have come to understand as my "dark sea journey", my passage into my soul where I was to learn, truly learn, who I AM rather than who I felt I needed to show the world. It was a rebirth, a shedding of skin, a transition, a CRISIS really. It was painful in those years that followed. I felt I was a ship lost a sea, my internal compass spinning wildly and not knowing where to stop. If I wasn't that lost, hiding, little girl who needed external validation to know or try to like herself... Who was I? There was no roadmap, no blueprint for me. I had to go into the depths and discover who I truly was. It has taken many years of intensive introspection, devoting my career to this world, years of skilled therapy with amazing analysts, tons of dream interpretation, tears and grieving. But I have grown into a strong and receptive woman who inherently knows who she is and is secure in her skin (well, most of the time) :) I am now 35 and feel I have already gone through my "mid life crisis". It has informed me on every level possible and was the jumpstart of my journey home to my Self. I am forever grateful for that opening.
Jen (Aug 2009)
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